for ashtyn.

It's been a long time since I last posted. Too long. But I can no longer delay what I've been putting off the past few days.

Ashy.

My mom's side of the family are the Poulsens. Every Poulsen child, grandchild, and great-grandchild is unique. But we were all born with one thing that unites us:

Fire.

The Poulsen fire. The fire that Ted Poulsen brought with him into the South Pacific to fight the Japanese in World War II. The fire that Gayle Birrell Poulsen used to help her cope with the loss of her newborn son, and to get her through the long nights worrying for her husband's safe return from war. The fire that gave them the courage to start a family, the reason why my mom, aunts and uncles, cousins, siblings, nephews, and cousins children are here.

Yes, every Poulsen is born with fire. And every one of us has used that to keep us burning in even the darkest of times.

But, I don't think any of us were prepared for this.

I was six years old when sweet Ashtyn Poulsen was born. She's one of my older cousin, Jason's, daughters. But in our family, cousins' kids are just as much cousins as any to us. When Ashtyn was younger, I remember her to be the sweetest little girl I had ever met. Quiet and reserved at times. She has this old soul quality, this hidden maturity that often gives her the wisdom to only speak when she has something really important to say. As she has grown, gotten a Facebook, caught the Bieber fever, entered the temple for the first time, and become more beautiful every day, she has kept that same sweetness but added to it her own special fire.  Some Poulsens' fire is explosive, volcanic. Obvious when you very first meet them. But Ashtyn is different. Special. Hers is less like a wildfire and more like the flow of molten rock deep beneath the surface of the Earth. Too deep to feel the heat of it right away, but it moves unstoppably all the same, changing the foundations of the world with its advance. This is the fire possessed by Ashtyn Susan Poulsen. 

Ashtyn became even more special on January 31, 2013, when she was diagnosed with Leukemia. Specifically, "undifferentiated" or "ambiguous" leukemia. It is a very rare, high risk form of leukemia that is neither A.L.L. or A.M.L. The doctors are putting together treatment that will treat the cancer as if it's A.M.L.

I remember my mom texting me to tell me Ashtyn was sick and in the hospital; that worst case scenario, she would have Leukemia. Of course I hoped for that not to be the case, but when she said that I somehow knew it would be. My heart broke to hear that a Spirit so pure as Ashtyn could have something so awful happen to her, at such a young age. "She's only twelve, for crying out loud!" I yelled at my roommates. I thought of how cancer took our Grandma Gayle, and Barb, and I thought, how unfair. How unfair that it is always the purest spirits that have to bear the burden of cancer.

But the immediate thought following was, of course it would be Ashtyn. Not because she's ever done anything wrong, but because she has done everything RIGHT. Only Spirits such as her can look cancer right in the face, and let it change her for only the better. It will not leave her bitter. It will not leave her in darkness, no. She will rise above it and become an even more amazing young woman than she already is. She is strong. She is loving. She is kind. She is faithful. She is full of light.

She is on fire. And her fire is the kind that can fight such a battle as the one she will now have to fight against Leukemia. And that battle is going to teach her more about the Lord and the Savior's mercy in this short period than the rest of us will know in a lifetime. While it teaches her, she in turn will teach us as a family, as well as everyone she touches with her light, the power of God's love.

Cancer should know better than to mess with a Poulsen. She is going to kick its butt! 

Ashtyn, the road looks rough ahead. There will be many bumps and bruises along the way. But as you put your faith in God and in the Savior, He will heal you. He has already felt your pain. He has already suffered your sorrow. He knows, in a way no one else will ever know, the emotions you will feel now and in other tribulations life will bring. And He will help lift you up and make you feel peace, and joy. I know things may not make sense now, and they may not make sense until the pain you experience is simply a memory. But it will. And the joy you will experience after enduring it will be something none of us can possibly imagine! It's just like one of my favorite scriptures, D&C 58: 3 says:

"Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation."

You can't even imagine, darling girl.

The Poulsens are tighter than most. We have this knowledge of how precious life is that cannot be compared, along with an unwavering faith in God. We remembered it best when our sweet grandma died (thought I wasn't alive yet at the time), and again when our sweet, firey, Grandpa Poulsen passed away. But just as humans do, we often slip back into the routine of our everyday lives and forget. Ashtyn, already, has helped us to remember. Through this trial we will never again forget to go a day without saying "thank you" and "I love you." We will always remember the importance of love, of faith, and of family. 

I'm thankful for this opportunity the Lord has given us all to learn, become better, and rely on Him. I'm thankful for the example every person in my family sets for me. I'm thankful for Ashtyn's mom, Suzanne, and for the strength and positivity she is showing for us and especially for her daughter. I'm thankful for her words of faith she's been posting since this all happened.

Most of all, I'm thankful for Ashtyn. Ashtyn, thank you for your kind Spirit you have always shown me. Thank you for helping us remember. Most of all, thank you for teach all of us what true strength and pure love is. Just lik you posted on your facebook a couple of days ago, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." And you are going to be the strongest Poulsen yet. You've got this, baby girl!

Keep that flame burning, because it is going to set the world on fire. 

 "Don't give up. Don't you quit. you keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead-- a lot of it. You keep your chin up. It will be allright in the end. Trust God, and believe in good things to come. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until Heaven. But for those who embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ, they come." -Jeffrey R. Holland 

JOIN ASHTYN'S ARMY!!!! LEARN MORE ABOUT ASHTYN AND JOIN HER ARMY HERE:

http://ashtynstriumph.com/

AND HERE: 

http://awesomeashtyn.blogspot.com/

reflect.

HAPPY NEW YEAR ERRBODY!!!! 

I hope everyone's new year was a good one. I rang in the New Year with good friends. We watched The Proposal, I told a freaking long boy story for the 20th time to catch up one of my friends, we all made our lists for 2013, and of course drove my parents crazy with our madness. Midnight brought us into my street with horns, wearing very corny New Years hats and headbands, letting go of our balloons with our wishes for this year written on them, carrying them up to the Heavens to make them come true. 

One of my favorite parts of New Years is looking back on the list I made last New Years and seeing what I actually did and didn't do. One of my best friends and I started the list-making thing a few years back, drawing a collage of pictures to describe our wishes rather than written a boring list on a piece of paper. It's funny to see how my lists change from year to year. I don't remember everything for 2011, but it included things like "become famous", "get a part in a big movie", "get headshots" (the night before New Years that year my parents were going to not let me get the headshots I had scheduled for the next day. I won.), and mostly things involving fame and success. 

My list for 2012 had the following items: 

Good grades.... kind of check. 

Graduate High School.... check! 

Fall in love...check. 

Buy a random animal....check. (this one was just a funny one I threw on there because I couldn't think of anything. It wasn't until a couple weeks after I bought my fish that I realized I'd fulfilled it!) 

Make money....check. 

Live away from home....check. (this was also one I wasn't sure was actually going to happen, as at the point I made the list I was SURE I was going to the University of Utah.) 

Make (more) friends.... check! (at first I just put "make friends." I had to add the more because my friends went "cool... so we're not your friends.") 

College acceptance and/or scholarships....check! 

Live it up at college!.....check! 

Drink less soda...semi-check. (I was doing really well....then college happened.) 

Boyfriend....check. 

Hand-holding....check. 

Cuddling....check. 

Go on adventures....check. 

First kiss....check. 

Be happy....check. 

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows (cheekily added to my list by my friend)....check on all three. ;) 

Testimony strengthened.... DEFINITE CHECK. 

Those are all the ones on my collage of pictures. maybe if i get around to it i'll add a picture of that one and the 2013 one. 

2012, was an okay year. It had some of the most amazing times, like choir tour and graduation and random adventures with friends and a really great summer. But in every way, it was the hardest year of my life to date. 

It really is strange how different my 2012 list and now my 2013 list are. 

My 2012 list was a lot of very "high school" things. 

wishes of a teenage girl dreaming of perfect love and the perfect life and a lot of things that just, don't matter too much. 

Then, the year 2012 happened. 

Looking back on my year, I refer to it as "the year of goodbyes." 

I had to say way too many goodbyes this year for one person. 

And some were goodbyes in which I'll never understand why they happened. 

I lost some of my best friends to a rumor spread by someone who wanted those people I had in my life and didn't want me to have them. 

A stupid rumor, and they were gone. 

They forgot everything I did for them. 

They forgot everything we'd been through. 

They forgot how often we'd tell each other we loved each other.

....and they were gone. 

Not only did they drop me as a friend, but I began to be treated with so much cruelty. It was a night and day difference, the kind of people these friends turned into. These friends who I spent New Years Eve with last year. If you had told me a year from then that they'd no longer be in my life, I'd have told you you were crazy. 

So that was where it all began. 

I said goodbye to what I think was my first love. 

Although this was more of a "see you later", I said goodbye to my sister for at the time what I thought would be 18 months. Now, it's three years. 

I said goodbye to my sweet and sometimes devilish beagle Ace. He'd been in my life since I was 5 years old. He was my entire childhood. 

I said goodbye to the Olympus High Class of 2012. (a bittersweet one.) 

The hardest goodbye of all.... my sweet Barb. If you had told me I'd lose a best friend to cancer, I would have, again, told you you were crazy. 

Goodbye to someone I thought I knew, who treated me so beautifully until I became an inconvenience. 

Although this is a very joyful goodbye, goodbye to several best friends--the most respectful, sweet, hilarious, genuine boys I know--as they leave for their missions. 

Goodbye to friends I met up at school. This one was weird; I didn't really think I'd grown attached to anybody up there, until the end of the semester came and they moved back home, not coming back after the break. I knew all semester this was coming, but suddenly it was upon me and I was a lot more upset than I thought I'd be. ESPECIALLY my amazing roommate. We both had rough starts to our school year, but through the semester became the best of friends. After she left, I walked into our bedroom, saw her now completely empty side of the room...and just fell on my bed and cried. Miss you Brookie if you're reading this! 

I'm a big believer in change. In fact, I thrive on it. I don't like routine because I get so very bored of it, so very quickly. 

But the aspect of change I've never been good at, is the goodbye. 

I am very easily impacted by people. Not in the sense of caring what other people think of me, but in the sense of, people I become close with, spend a lot of time with, worm their way into my heart without too much effort. It's the same way for me in love, which is why I've had more heartbreaks than I should; because I give people my heart too quickly and too easily. 

Some people can say goodbye so easily. It doesn't mean they don't care about the people in their lives, but rather their good at keeping the knowledge that they'll remain in the crevices of their heart forever, always to be carried through life even if they never cross paths again. 

For me, this definitely is not so. 

I envy those people. Because goodbyes, they affect me. 

And I've never had to say as many as I did in the year 2012. 

But these goodbyes, they made me grow up. 

They made me figure out what really matters in life. 

Barb left, leaving behind her legacy of happiness. I took it upon myself this year to keep that legacy moving forward. To smile in the face of sadness, to forgive in the face of betrayal, to trust when given no answers, to stand strong in the face of pain, to love in the face of hatred, and to have faith in the valley of the shadow of death. 

Lost love made me realize what I deserve. That man out there who will be by my side at the Gates of Glory is worth waiting for. I'm thankful for the memories made with the others. I do not disregard the happiness they gave me, even if it was just for a time and was followed by some amounts of pain. My Father has somebody special waiting for me, and all of these moments, all of these experiences, are leading me to him. 

The betrayal I experienced by close friends made me depend so much more on my real friends, and made me realize just who that is. 

The girls who will be laughing with me when we're old and gray, who will be by me in all of my wedding pictures and will be keeping me fed on that big day because they know how crank I get when I'm hungry. They'll laugh at me and shove a donut and a Dr. Pepper into my hand. 

And the boys who showed me what honorable men look like. Who protected me all those crazy years of high school and kept me laughing all the while. Who took me to dances, brought me food when I was sick, and somehow managed to know this semester EXACTLY which day to send me a letter from their missions. Who will be threatening the guy I marry of what they'll do to him if I ever get hurt. ;) 

Those are the truest of friends that I have come to recognize and constantly show my appreciation toward. These are one in a million friends. I'm so lucky to know them. I'm so lucky to have them. 

Though my sister and I will be parted for three years now, it will be so worth it to give other families the eternity she and I have already been promised. Her service is blessing my family and I so very much. 

Leaving for college, has brought me so close to my family. They've all done so much for me, whether I'm at home or away. I have the best family in the world. It's easy to forget that sometimes, but being away makes me remember it more often. 

Lastly, every trial, every tear, every heartbreak, every unanswered question, every death, every big decision, every smile, every laugh, every good time and every bad, has brought me closer to my Father in Heaven and to His Son. They have been with me every step of the way. Even when I thought I was alone, I wasn't. They were always there. Everything I've gone through this year has been worth it for the testimony I have today that I would not have if things had played out differently. For the closeness I have with Them that I otherwise wouldn't have if this year had been easy. I will leave on my mission this year with confidence knowing they are always with me. Knowing that through Christ, I CAN do hard things. I can! 

All of the goodbyes also brought a lot of hellos; hellos to truly extraordinary people who have made me better and brought me a lot of joy. 

This was such a year of growth, and such a year of learning. I learned that things don’t always turn out the way you planned, or the way you think they should. I’ve learned that there are things that go wrong that don’t always get fixed or get put back together the way they were before. I’ve learned that some broken things stay broken, and I’ve learned that you can get through bad times and keep looking for better ones, as long as you have faith in God and trust that things will work out and 

people around you who love you.

My 2013 list, is very different from 2012. 

It's got things on it like "become a better me" and "do things that scare me" and "keep strengthening my testimony" and of course the "open my mission call" and "leave on my mission." Last year were rather shallow, selfish things. This year's, is all about wanting to make me better so that I can in turn help make the world better and bring other people to the happiness I've found in the Gospel. And, a miracle happened guys, as there is NOTHING on this year's list related to boys or relationships. To any of you who know me well, you know that's big. Seriously. It is. The comparison of the two lists alone is a testament to how much I've grown this past year. I'm so glad for that! 

I'm so grateful for every person in my life who has made me laugh, made me think, made me smile, made me want to be better, taught me a lesson, made me stronger, tolerated my craziness or even joined in on it, and has given me memories to last a lifetime and more this year. You're all in my heart and I love you so! 

At the title of my 2012 list, I had put "this is my year." It wasn't quite that. I don't want to mislead you to think there weren't good times. There were! Some of the best! Choir tour, graduation, trek, a rockin' summer, start of college life with many adventures there, and a whole lot more. This year I'll definitely try to post more about the crazy fun times I have. As of late I've mostly been using this blog as simply a means of venting and reflecting on my growth and experiences, but all the good times are a part of that too! For year 2012, I'll just let all the pics below do the talking. 

But at the top of my 2013 list, I put "a year to remember." And a year to remember it shall be! 

Here's to a year of joy, of HAPPINESS, of SADNESS, of craziness and ridiculousness, of FRIENDS,  of LEARNING, of FAITH, and of LOVE. 

peace

~just megsie