Ever since we're little and learn the story of the princess and the frog, we learn that meant to be may surprise you so therefore you should give everyone a chance.
A popular quote that's been circulating around social media is one I mostly agree with that has to do with taking risks. However, in the list of going to unknown places, reading different books, and taking unexpected jobs, is the one I don't agree with: "date someone totally wrong for you."
I definitely do not agree with that one.
I guess I've just always believed that it's pointless to date someone you could never actually see yourself marrying--even in high school. Granted, I have dated guys who, looking back, I would never want to be married to. But that's because I was blind at the time of dating them and Heavenly Father was completely looking out for me. The belief has still always held true.
Which is why the situation that just recently happened to me, which is one I've been in before, is one I find so aggravating and one I feel the need to rant on.
At work on Saturday, a group of guys came in. They were all at least a few years older than me. They were all good at making conversation with me and I'll admit they were entertaining. Well, one in particular took interest to me. After going and sitting down with his buddies, he came back up to the counter and proceeded to completely hit on me. When he and his friends were leaving the restaurant that night, he stopped and asked if he could have my number and maybe take me on a date sometime. I said it's a possibility, making it VERY clear that I was going on a mission and therefore not too interested in dating, but gave him my number anyway.
I do admire this guy's boldness, I do. It took guts to do that in front of all of his friends AND in front of my cheeky/protective coworkers who were all standing guard around me. But here's the deal...this dude just wasn't my type. He was a cool guy to talk to, but just not a guy I'd ever have romantic feelings for, or even attraction towards. Two of the biggest turnoffs were that A. He wasn't in school and B. He hasn't gone on a mission; I'm not even sure if he's a member.
That night I came home and told some of the friends in my building. They were all excited for me, not quite understanding the fact that I was more stressed than excited. I tried to explain this to them, but the response was "you never know, meant to be may surprise you."
Okay, whatever. I ignored it and we moved on.
Then, last night the guy texted me. I had NO idea what to do. I didn't want to go on that date. Yes, I know, the simple thing to do is just tell him that (in a nice way of course), but no matter how nice I could have been about it, I still knew I was going to feel AWFUL, so I didn't know what to do. I sought help from people in my building--some of them the same ones-- and was greeted with the same response as before: "you just never know." That advice even turned somewhat into a lecture about being nonjudgemental. Only a couple of them were on my side. A couple more understood when I explained that he hadn't gone a mission and that that's an issue to me, but the majority continued to lecture. I finally got help from one of my friends. He said "do you ever see this working out ever?" When I replied "no" he said "then I think you need to be straight up with him now." This blessed friend even wrote the response to the text for me because he knows what's honest without sounding rude to a guy. It was a really kind answer and the guy responded that it was okay. I still felt really badly about it, but I knew that's how it needed to go. Still, some of the statements said to me that night--and things I've been told too many times--got to me: "There's never any harm in ONE date", "You shouldn't judge" and "you really never know" and "a lot of successful relationships come out of one person being a nonmember" and my personal favorite "just because you know what you want doesn't mean you know what God wants for you."
I'm going to address each of those.
I first want to clarify that I'm not angry or resentful toward the friends that said these statements. Like I said, these people are my friends and I wouldn't have told them about the situation in the first place if I didn't consider them so. However, this is not the first time I've been in a situation like these and it has definitely not been the first time I've been told these statements.
"There's never any harm in ONE date."
People who say this are kidding themselves and are just waiting to experience how wrong they are. I have experienced firsthand how very wrong that statement is. I have agreed to a date with a perfect stranger several times, either because I always have been a risk taker when it came to relationships and felt "you never fall in love while playing it safe", or simply because I didn't know how to say no without hurting his feelings. One of two things have come from that: I get too attached or they get too attached. Either way, it turns into a whirlwind relationship that ends with a crash where one or both of us gets hurt. The last time this happened--a scenario where I was the one that got seriously hurt from it--I resolved that I was going to be more careful with relationships. No, not in the whole Nicholas Sparks "I'm going to put walls up and never let anyone in" cliche kind of way, but just in the way that I need to know a guy to a certain degree before I agree to a date with him. No more accepting dates from strangers. I have taken too many shots in the dark that didn't work out. No more shots in the dark. I'll still take some risks, don't get me wrong, but the difference between a risk worth taking and one not worth taking is the line between being fearless and just being stupid.
"You shouldn't judge."
I am absolutely, positively, not judging this guy for having not gone on a mission. I wasn't judging his character because of it. My mind didn't automatically make the assumption that he is a horrible human being because he didn't go on a mission. I was never raised to be that way and I wouldn't be that way now. However, I'm sorry, but I think I have the right to be a little choosey with the people I date--even the ones I go on just one date with. Aren't we all being judges when it comes to those we choose to date/marry? Isn't that kind of how it's supposed to go: there's all of these contestants and you choose based on the one with the best qualities? A statement that followed this one was "You do realize Thomas S. Monson didn't go on a mission." Do you also think that he told his sons that made it okay for them not to go on one? That he didn't encourage his daughter to marry someone who did? Don't JUDGE me for being picky with whom I choose to date. I have definitely settled too many times over, and I am done settling. I am done saying yes on the off chance that he could completely transform and I could suddenly become insanely attracted to him and we fall in love and our story is turned into the next Disney movie. I understand that when I do fall in love there are going to be certain qualities that I may have said I wanted before in a guy that will end up not mattering once that love occurs. However, there are a couple that I am never,
ever, compromising, and two of them are why I ended up saying no to this guy: he has to be going for a degree and he has to have gone on a mission. Yes, I'm aware that I may be eating my words one day. For now, this isn't something I'm bending on. It's also something has forced me to have to fight attraction I have toward a guy--even a guy I know right now--because I don't want to let myself fall into a trap and end up giving that up. It actually makes them judgmental of me to not accept that my wants in a person are different from theirs. We all have things about those we date or marry that are dealbreakers. Are you really going to judge me for mine simply because it's different from yours?
"You really never know."
Alright, I understand that these guys don't know me as well because they haven't known me as long as high school friends (which is why one of the friends that actually WAS on my side was in fact a girl who's known me since the seventh grade). But those who do know me know that attraction happens really fast for me. I can pin someone pretty much right away as somebody I could even see the slightest possibility of something happening with. I had a long enough conversation with this fellow to know he just was not my type. Not to say I have a specific type, but more that when I meet someone who is a not-type, I can tell. I tried my best to explain that if any of them had met this guy too they probably would have said "Yeah, I couldn't ever see you with him." But they didn't. My friends who are all one their missions who know my soul sometimes better than I do could tell from the stress in my eyes alone that this is not a guy for me. They also know how poisonous that "one single date" has been for me in the past and would probably tell me to stay away. Unfortunately, they're all gone. So here's what it comes down to: except for the Lord, no one knows me better than I know me. I honest-to-goodness, KNOW, that things would never work out with this guy. The response to that was "you cannot tell that from one conversation." I'm sorry, but, I can. In my experience with dating, first impressions are often the correct ones. I have ignored that feeling in my gut before and guess what always happens? Never good things. This isn't my first rodeo and I've learned that ignoring your instincts gets you knocked off the bull landing on your spine rather than staying on for the full seven seconds and landing on your feet when the buzzer goes off. I think I'll take the latter, thank you very much. So when my instinct tells me no, I'm going to go with no. Especially because that "instinct" is usually the Spirit. I'm definitely not going to ignore that.
"A lot of successful relationships come out of a member and a nonmember."
Of COURSE I know this. A very close member of my family is in that exact situation and it has been and is very successful so far. I know that in some cases things work out. But excuse me while I address the EXACT problem they say people have in the movie
He's Just Not That Into You: people assume they're the exception to the rule which leads them to the assumption that it will work out with them simply because it worked out with so-and-so and so-and-so. You can't assume that. If that's the situation that comes my way and it feels right and okay to me then I'll roll with it. Otherwise, I'm not going to make that assumption. That's not called pessimism, that's called good sense. Sue me for having some.
"Just because you know what you want doesn't mean you know what God wants for you."
Again, how about you tell me something I don't know. Of course I don't know everything that is in God's plan for me. But you know what I am quite certain He wants for me? I'm sure He doesn't want me to settle. I am sure He doesn't want me to hurt somebody's feelings more in the long run just because I was too scared to say no in the first place. I know that the person I eventually marry could come very unexpectedly, but I also know that my Father wouldn't put a guy in my path who gives my gut the inclination of "someone is going to get hurt" and just expect me to ignore that feeling and go with it anyway because it MIGHT be what He wants for me. And I don't think it would be, because I don't think he'd have the person I'm supposed to end up with give me that unpleasant feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don't mean to say that this guy who asked me out was secretly a serial killer and that's why I got my feeling, it was more just a bad feeling that it would not end well for one or both of us--yes, even from that one date. Like I said, I'm not going to ignore my instincts anymore.
That's why I disagree with the quote I started out with. Dating somebody totally wrong for me would end...well, totally wrong.
And no offense to Tiana or anything, but I'm not going to go kissing--or dating--a million frogs with the hope that one of them ends up being a prince.
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