twinkie.

(i'll go ahead and say right now: don't worry Jen, there's a jenny post waiting in the future. ;) )

Let me start this post with an excerpt from the journal of the 10-year-old version of Mackenzie Marie Dolan:

"I hate Megan. I wish Mom and Dad would have just stopped at me and gotten a dog. Instead they did both!"

About a year ago, maybe more, when the sis and I were both cleaning our rooms, I hear her cackling laughter over the blaring music. She then comes running into my room, throws her arms around me and says "I love you, Megs, I SWEAR!" Then proceeds to show me this journal entry from eleven years ago.

Yeah, a lot has changed since eleven years ago.

Let me first explain the family dynamic of the Dolan clan. My parents have four kids: Jen, Justin, Mackenzie, and Me. (yeah, they DID do J, J, M, M. and they swear they didn't do it on purpose. Sure, mom and dad. we'll go ahead and pretend you're "subconsciously clever.") Anyway, there are two years between Jen and Justin, then there's a good five year gap between Just and Kenz, and three years between Kenz and me. So a joke in our family is that Jen and Justin came in the same Twinkie package and Kenz and I came in the other one. So she's my fellow Twinkie.

Even though I just wrote on Friday, I figured I had to rip out another post quick or else this blog would probably never happen. I was thinking really hard on what the post should be about.

then I got an email this morning, and what i was going to write on became clear.

Before I get into the present, let's talk about the past for a second, shall we? That journal entry, filled with such hatred, was not an uncommon emotion shared between Kenz and I as youngsters. We shared a room for like ten years, and all that time together inevitably made us get under each other's skin a little bit. Or a lot, actually. Yeah. A lot. It has a lot to do with the fact that she didn't care too much for a clean room and I did (and still do. thank goodness i got a roommate at school who's the same way!), I was terrified of the dark and couldn't sleep without a light on, while she couldn't sleep WITH one on. (that's something we both have in common now. no light while i'm sleeping. ever.) I was a wimp and I'd have nightmares in the middle of the night, but would be too scared to go to my parents' room by myself, so she'd have to walk me there. We stole each other's stuff. We fought constantly-- mostly about the room. Well, you know, just sister stuff. Oh, and we both DESPISED the way people lumped us together by saying "the girls" rather than Kenz and Megs.

but here's the part we've both come to realize as we've grown older. whether to our dismay or not, we've both always been there. Kenzie is a constant in my life. she's in practically all of my childhood pictures. she may have hated having her pain-in-the-neck little sis around all the time, but she took care of me nonetheless. As much as she hated having the hall light on at night or walking me to my parents' room or playing house with me and my friend because we needed a "Mom", she did it. She was there.

Now, we've both grown. We haven't shared a room in seven years, but we're in each others' rooms constantly anyways. Whether to borrow clothes (with permission this time) or ask the other if we look okay, or which shoes we should wear with the outfit, or, most commonly, to tell one little story and have it turn into hours of deep talk about God's plan and our dreams and our family, we're in each other's rooms. We are each other's confidants and best friends. And the older we've gotten the closer we've grown, because when life gets rough or we had a fight with mom or we're not sure we're going to actually fulfill our dreams and we're scared or the latest boy just left us bruised (figuratively. don't want anyone getting ideas here), we always know we have each other to talk to about it. And oh my heck, we laugh. We laugh about EVERYTHING and have the silliest inside jokes. Her laugh is hilarious and she thinks my squeal is just too weird. We've probably embarrassed friends and/or family in public once or twice due to our absolute craziness, but whatevs.

So then it's May 2, 2012. It's the first time our paths have ever divided. Or at least, so much. I slept in her room with her the weekend before because the time had come that it had finally hit me she was leaving and i couldn't even think about it without tears coming to my eyes. May 2, we drive to Provo, get out of the car for not nearly enough minutes to say goodbyes and get one last hug for a year and a half, then watch her wave goodbye and walk inside with the rest of the missionaries to the MTC. And now, I live my weeks email by email, waiting for Monday to roll around when I know I'll have that email from Sissy. But even still, I've taken for granted the bond I still have with her, even while she's hundreds of miles away now serving the people of Tokyo, Japan. I haven't taken advantage of that bond or my confidant and the wisdom she has both in having more years on me and now while being a missionary.

until now.

it was a rough week. as mentioned briefly before, i'd had a pretty rough experience with a guy and a long distance attempt that just didn't work. and i simply didn't know what to do. i mean, i liked this guy more than i care to admit. and i didn't know: should i cut him out of my life completely? stay his friend, like he wanted? let go of the feelings, or hold onto them because things are supposed to work out later down the road? i really didn't know. and no one got it. friends thought i was being dumb and should really just "get over him already", others said simply "what a douche bag. cut the chord. he sucks. he doesn't deserve you in his life at all!" or, even better, there was the cliche "he doesn't deserve you. you'll find someone better."

so basically, just every stereotype in the book. that's what i get for moving to a college town, i guess. thanks guys. you're way classy.

anyway, my point was nothing was comforting or helping me out at ALL. of course i was praying about it, of course i was asking the Lord for help, but my mind was so muddled I couldn't tell what was coming from Him and what was coming from me.

Then it was the weekend, which meant: time to email Kenz.

TIME TO EMAIL KENZ.

Duh. Ask Kenzie! silly megs. silly, silly girl.

so i explained to her the whole situation. i did it in a way that made both me and, let's call him, "Matt" seemed blameless. (because i should clarify: i was never made at "Matt." well, probably the night of I was, but that's it. I wasn't mad at anybody though. I was confused. so it didn't help that people around me were just pissed off or annoyed. because that wasn't what i wanted.) anyway, i felt kind of bad asking her for help while being on her mish, which i explained to her, but i just really needed help from somebody i truly trusted. somebody who knows me better than anyone in the whole universe, and that was her.

i'm not going to tell you what her reply was. i'm just going to tell you it. was. PERFECT. she said EXACTLY what I needed to hear. She was understanding. She was helpful. She was sympathetic both toward me and also toward "Matt." Her words were just... put perfectly. Tears came to my eyes as I read it because here I realized, she was God's way of answering my prayers. He knew me well enough to know I was too stubborn to try and separate my own thoughts from His promptings, so instead He gave me His words through someone He knew I'd listen to.

I know this really isn't a big deal. It was an email, from a missionary sibling. And the whole Matt thing was a boy problem, just like everybody has. but what was important was it was God's way of reminding me "hey, you've got ONE thing going wrong in your life! look at everything you've got going RIGHT!" It was His way of reminding me of my anchors. Things go crazy, life gets crazy. Relationships and family and even just flat out me can get pretty dumb and messed up. But I always have those constants. And even over in Japan, Kenz is one of my constants. She's always been there, and always will be. And even though she won't see this until next November, i wanted to throw that out there while it's in my mind.

I'm so proud of my Sissy and what she's doing over in Japan. Her testimony has always been something I've admired and as it grows stronger I find myself admiring it even more. Her words were something I really needed, and now I'll go back up to school tonight with renewed energy and vigor and hope for the future.

Kenz and I are crazy and kind of spazzes and are fearless at just being ourselves. Why? because we both believe in the importance of living life to the fullest. And i'm so glad I get to live that life with her.

I'm so glad she's my fellow Twinkie.

peace

~just megsie