you. (part 2.)

funny how the second you admit you need help, help comes. 

you just have to swallow that pride of yours and admit it. 

you. 

hi. 

a couple days ago, i admitted what i'd been hiding for too long: that i wasn't over you. 

that same night i admitted it here, was the first time i'd admitted it out loud to somebody else. my roommate and i were talking, and i finally opened up and spilled the beans to her. she understood. she felt the same way about another guy. another guy who, like you, is wrong for her. 

we talked about how we didn't think we'd ever get over it until we met somebody better who could help us. 

i admitted it. for the first time since things didn't work out, i admitted it. 

and i asked for help. 

it wasn't getting better; it was getting worse. and it was distracting me. it was affecting me too much. you were affecting me too much. you were this poison in my life that i couldn't have anymore. i needed you out of sight. out of mind. gone. those feelings needed to be gone.
so, finally, on my knees, i begged for the help i needed to get over you. to see the better things in my life; the things that mattered more.

two days later, he happened.
he was in my life all semester. he was in my life already when you left. i was just so blinded by you that i didn't notice the other things in my life. like i said, the better things; him.
two days later, he stopped by the apartment. it'd been awhile, since i'd seen him.
he came by at 9, just to say hi.
it was 2:30 in the morning when he finally got around to leaving.
that's how talking is between us. it's easy as breathing.
he's never kissed me. he's never held my hand. he hasn't bought me a tigger. he hasn't even said anything "romantic" to me, or to any other girl for that matter, yet.

but he opens all my doors.
he gets into tickle wars with me.
he makes me laugh harder than anybody i've ever met.
when he looks at me, he really looks.
he and I can have five hour conversations into the latest hours of the night, talking about nothing but missions.
he picked me up into a spinny hug when he found out i had chosen to go on a mission, he was so excited.
actually, he always does the spinny hug with me. i like that.
he thinks i'm funny.
he's not afraid to be absolutely ridiculous in public with me.
he never has a bad thing to say about anybody.
he says "mommy" when he talks to his mom on the phone.

most of all, he makes me want to be better.
and not in a judgey, makes-you-feel-inferior sort of way.
but just in a, he deserves to have people around him as great as he is, sort of way.

no, he's not my boyfriend.
no, i'm not "waiting" for him when he leaves for his mission.
no, we're not together.
we're not even a "fling."
but he means everything he says.
he reminds me of what i deserve.
and what i deserve is better than what you gave me.

we had some good memories. we had a good friendship.
we had a masterpiece, even, 'til you tore it all up.

but what he's reminded me is that i deserve more.
and now, the lie i told for months has turned into a truth:
i've moved on.
thank you for the fun times. thank you for being a person who taught me some lessons. thank you for making me stronger.
but this is it.

so here's to you:
goodbye. 

you.

hey, you. 

yes. you. 

the person who will never actually read this, unless you remember the link i gave you to this blog and legitimately read it. 

part of me hopes you do. part me hopes you don't. 

anyways, hi. 

i miss you. 

i wish i didn't, too. i wish with every part of me that i didn't. but with every part of me, i do. i miss you. 

you pop into my head without warning, every day. i can't get away from you. 

i would've been content with never seeing you again after that first day, the day we met. you were just a friend of a friend. i've met a lot of friends of friends. they pass through my life without sticking and i'm quite okay with that. 

but somehow, you knew. 

you knew the way i tick in a way some people who have known me my whole life still haven't figured out. you knew what to say. how i was feeling. why i was feeling it. i don't know how you knew. but somehow, you just, knew. 

you listened. you cared. i think you cared. 

and i'll never be the same. 

i thought it was going to be awkward. that day we were first alone. i've had some pretty awkward experiences before, with people i've talked to virtually more than i have in person. like you. so i thought it'd be awkward. i had no idea you saw me as anything. i thought it'd be two friends hanging out.

then you bought me a tigger. most people make fun of me, but you didn't. you took the time, to buy me something so childish yet so important to me. i didn't even ask you to. you just knew.
then you held my hand when we were stopped at a crosswalk. you didn't do that stupid transition, take five years to do it, thing. you just reached out, and took my hand.
i liked that.
i liked the way it felt in yours.

it was like it was just against the world, in the city. then it was like we were the only two people in the world, at the park. you saw right through me. i felt safe with you. i felt good with you.
it was the most absolutely perfect night.

and so soon, you were no longer a part of my life. i was blindsided. shocked. broken. i told everyone i was okay. but i wasn't. i'm still not fully recovered. because all i know is how perfect any night with you was. it didn't matter if it was in person or not. if you were there, it was perfect.

all i know, is i never saw you coming. and i'll never be the same.

i denied it for so long. i told everyone how dumb you were. how wrong for me you were. how i deserved better and it was a good thing things didn't work out.
but i was lying to them, and i was lying to myself.
because how it really is, is i'm not over you. as much as i wish i was, i'm not. i don't know why. i DO deserve better than the way you treated me. than the way you are. but you can't control things like this. i can't control things like this. i wish i could. there are so many reasons why you're wrong for me. why i should be over you. and yet, for some reason, i'm not.
i'm just, not.
like i said. i'll never be the same.
i miss you.
so here's to you:
come back. 

jennifee.

My big sister, Jen and I, went to see Breaking Dawn: Part 2 today. It's one of many movies we've seen together, like Harry Potter 4 when we went the next night instead of the premiere. Naturally, we talked about the book afterwards and what we've thought of certain characters. We commented on Les Miserables as we saw the poster for the movie walking past. I told her about college, and she told me about her cute little boys. I finally opened up and told her about some guys in my life who I had kept hidden from my family because of the pain they caused me. She listened. She didn't judge. We laughed. We talked about the most trivial things, as well as bigger things, just as we always do. It was as easy as breathing.

And so today, I'm thankful for Jenny.

Growing up, Jen was my absolute idol. In fact, looking back, some of the things that I still love today are things I owe to her, because when I was little and saw that she loved them, that automatically made me love them. And that "idol" love turned into genuine love, like my love for astronomy and the universe. or my love for boy bands. don't deny it, Jen. We all knew you wanted to marry J.C. from NSYNC.

One of my favorite memories as a kid is from one of the many times I went into her bedroom after a nightmare. This one in particular was about a tornado. No idea why, but for some reason I had gone through this stage of being deathly afraid of them. Which is ridiculous, considering I live in Utah and we get one in maybe a century. Either way, it was a pretty bad dream, and naturally, being four or five years old at the time, I was pretty shaken up and bawling my eyes out. Well, Jen, to lighten the mood, drew me the most amazing picture in the history of ever. I wish I still had it. As I mentioned before, Jen and I were both NSYNC fans. Well, she drew a picture of a tornado going through town, trying to be scary, while singing NSYNC's "Bye, Bye, Bye." Instead of everyone being afraid of it, she drew them finding it so comical that they just pointed and laughed, and the tornado couldn't hurt them. Funny enough, it stopped my fear of tornadoes and turned that fear into its opposite: fascination. Now, I cannot get enough of them. I am so grossly fascinated by them, that Twister is one of my favorite movies. All because of Jen.

Anyway, Jen did a lot for me growing up. She did a lot for all of us. Being the oldest, she had to look after us kiddies a lot and put up with our shenanigans. She dealt with me going into her bedroom in the middle of the night, often, because I had just had a nightmare. She was always the referee between Just and Kenz, who weren't each others' biggest fans at the time. She was always the babysitter. The chauffeur. The cook. The nurse. She stayed up all night to help me finish my science project on nebular in the 5th grade. Then stayed up all night the year after that, to help me finish my project on Mummies in the 6th grade. She was the second mom, basically.

And never, not once, did I hear her complain. 

She also let me play with her and all of her friends, because they were in high school and as a five-six-seven-year-old, I thought they were the coolest. I remember fondly her friends forming two teams and playing a game where the goal was simply to have me. Jen ran me into her room and put a glow-in-the-dark star on my little overalls. She said "keep this on. This way, I'll always know where you are." It was one of my favorite nights, being the goal of her and her friends' game. I don't even know if she remembers that. But I do.

Jen is one of the most selfless people I know. I don't tell her thank you nearly as often as I should; it's not like I deserve any of the things she has done and continues to do for me. But she does them anyway. And I'm so thankful to her for that. Her two little boys are so lucky to have a mom like her. She is so strong. She is so loving. She has such a testimony of this Gospel, and the light of Christ really does shine through her. She is so much like Him. And, in addition to all of that inner beauty, her outer beauty has always been something I've really envied; especially her fashion sense and piercing blue eyes.

Even though Jen and I are the oldest and youngest, it's always been us that's more a like, with our middle siblings being more alike. We're the drama queens. The fashionistas. The astronomy/nature obsessed. The bookworms. The school nerds. The attention wanters. The sometimes-over-the-toppers. We have our differences, of course, which make us, as people, better.

I'm so thankful for yeh-yeh/dah/jenny. When I was little, I wanted to be just like her. Now, the years have passed, and we've both grown. . But even now, I still do. 

BROTHER.

I realize I skipped days twelve, thirteen and fourteen, but I need to talk about this. Like, now.

Every college student can understand the headache that is Spring registration. Logging in a half an hour before midnight and refreshing the page over and over again. Then midnight hits, and just seconds after, the servers go nuts over thousands of students refreshing their computers at the EXACT same time... and crash.

Ten minutes until midnight, all Freshman housing is silent. Midnight hits, and everyone explodes, bursting out of their rooms, screeching cries of pain. It's madness, really.

So I'm dealing with the headache of internet going on and off, on and off. Finally, it's on long enough for me to get into Banner and sign up for classes! Yay!

Then, sike, I still have money left to pay. So is registering going to happen? Seeing how I'm broke as a joke, not in this century.

Last night was emotional, that's for dern sure. Suddenly I thought I would HAVE to go home, but didn't think in any way, shape or form, that that's what I thought I was supposed to do, as I've said before. Calling my mom today in tears, I didn't know what to do. I don't have the money. They don't have the money. So how the flip am I supposed to go to school next semester?

I won't say how much it is, but I will say it's a lot for any single person to ask another single person for. Especially a sibling. And yet, there I was. And to keep it simple, I'll tell you there was almost zero hesitation from the other line of the phone. Of course, despite the madness of my request, Brother was going to help me out.

Apparently after I got off the phone with my mom, she texted him and said "call Megs. She needs her big brother." She was right. And as always, my big brother was exactly what i needed him to be.

Just like when I was 7 and went flying off the tube when we went boating. A wimp at the time, I was of course bawling. And who was the first one to swim to me and make me laugh and make sure I was okay? Brother.

Just like how he always wants to kill any guy that's ever wronged me. And how he's extremely picky about the kind of guy I date/end up marrying, but that's just because he thinks me and my sisters deserve the best.

Just like how there's no one who makes me laugh harder than he does. He is literally the funniest human being I have ever met.

Just like how he never judges me when I make mistakes, like not being careful enough with my money. He's made mistakes too, and gets that no one is perfect. He helps and guides me in the most loving, nonjudgemental manner.

Most of all, he is my ultimate protector and advocate. He looks after me and all my sisters. Most guys I know are a heck of a lot more scared of my S.W.A.T/Marine/policeman brother than they are my dad. My dad's waaaay nicer when it comes to that. Mostly because of how undyingly my brother has got our backs. Plus, he is our literal protector now, as he is a member of the armed services. A soldier, willing to lay down his life for not just his sisters, but his Spiritual Brothers and Sisters as well.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes he makes me so mad I'd punch him he wasn't so much stronger than me and didn't have the reflexes of a jungle cat. But he's my brother and he's there for me when it really counts. By the way, I keeping saying just "Brother" because that's what us sisters call him.

So today, I'm thankful for Brother.

peace

~just megsie

soldiers.

Today is Veteran's Day. Veteran's Day is a big deal in my family. I mean, way may not necessarily go out to celebrate or anything. But it's a day that still crosses all of our minds. How I miss performing in the Veteran's Day Concert in high school, with 800 high school voices ringing through the Huntsman Center. I bawled my eyes out every time, of course. Especially because for me, this day is really personal. And singing those songs makes me thing of so many things.

Both of my grandfathers served in the United States Marine Corps. My Grandpa Poulsen served in the South Pacific during World War II. He was even the #1 Machine-Gunner in the battle of Guadalcanal. Yeah, he's kind of a bad-a. They both served valiantly and, thankfully, serving never took their lives. But they still sacrificed a lot. Grandpa Poulsen was away at war when his first child was born... his first son, who died just hours after his birth. My grandma helped to serve too by working in the factories, of course. Grandpa never talked about the war until years and years after he served... we didn't start hearing stories until the 90's. It wasn't until then that we heard of how he held a a fellow soldier in his arms when he died, after the man jumped on a grenade and saved the whole platoon. He didn't talk about the way he felt fighting the Japanese.. the way he looked at them as fellow human beings who he shouldn't be fighting, up until he'd watch a comrade be shot by them. It was too much for him to even be able to talk about, until so many years later.

My Grandpa Dolan took more pride in being a Marine than anything in the world, except for maybe his grandkids. Or his motorcycle. Both men enlisted voluntarily.

Then, there's my brother, who joined the Marine Corps in winter 2010 and completed boot camp in September 2011. My brother is probably the bravest person I know. He has a genuine desire to fight for this country's freedom. I fear for the day when he is deployed. There is no more heartwrenching a thought than the fact that my brother could leave for a place like Afghanistan, and return in a flag-covered casket. It's something a lot of people don't really think about unless they have a member of their family who did serve or does serve. I hope people will start taking Veteran's Day more seriously. Giving gratitude to the people who preserve our freedom is really important. I haven't even had anyone close to me die at war. But the thought of such a sacrifice being served makes me feel for the families who have lost loved ones, and so thankful for the soldiers who willingly lay down that precious life. It's not like they do it for money, or for glory. They do it because we need them.

The last picture is heartbreaking to anyone who sees it. Our choir director showed it to us last year, and upon searching for it again, a came across this article.

Marine Staff Sgt. Marcus “Marc” Golczynski, was killed in Iraq on March 27. At his funeral in April, Daily News Journal photographer Aaron Thompson captured Marc Golczynski’s teary-eyed son, 8-year-old Christian, accepting a U.S. flag from his father’s casket.

After the photo was released, a citizen wrote to Nasville's paper, The Tennessean. Part of the letter said:

As one would expect, many of your readers were touched by this incredible picture. Staff Sergeant Golczynski had previously served one full tour in Iraq. Shortly before his death on March 27 he wrote to his family that he had volunteered to do this a second time due to our deep desire to finish the job we started. In his letter he said, “We fight and sometimes die so that our families don’t have to.” Tragically, Staff Sergeant Golczynski had only two weeks remaining on his second tour. We look at the photograph of Christian every day. It is displayed prominently in our home. Our hearts ache for Christian and for all those who have lost loved ones in this controversial conflict.

Our nation is at a historical crossroads. Do we call an end to the struggle in Iraq or press on? Staff Sergeant Golczynski eloquently told his son how he felt about not giving up. Perhaps there is a lesson for all of us in this man’s life and the choices he made. He was undeniably a man of tremendous courage and conviction. America must now choose whether to complete the job.

When looking at the fact of Christian Golcynski I am reminded that doing what is right is not always easy and doing what is easy is not always right. Christian's dad knew that too.

Today, I'm thankful for soldiers.

peace

~just megsie

food.

i. love. food.

i love to eat.

so.

much.

my family has always called me a bottomless pit. that's how much i eat. where does it all go? couldn't tell ya.

i'm thankful to have food to eat, though. especially Pasta Roni Garlic and Olive Oil Pasta. that stuff is a gift from God, I swear. As is Fredico's garlic bread.

yet another thing many people don't have. making me all the more thankful for it.

today, i'm thankful for food.

snow.

if you ask me any other day, i actually quite despise snow.

or hate it. with an undying passion.

but the first REAL snow of Logan came today. (I say that because it randomly snowed one day a few weeks ago but melted by the time night fell and didn't come back again. ) and yes, it is absolutely freezing, which makes me quite unhappy. but gosh, it is absolutely beautiful! it really is. plus, i'm trying to show gratitude even toward things i profess to hate. so even though i hate the snow, at least it means a lot of moisture. it means snowmen and snowball fights and sledding. i would mention skiing or snowboarding, but let's get real: i am so completely clumsy and uncoordinated that that simply doesn't happen for me. Like, ever.

it's also something a lot of people do wish they had (mostly BECAUSE of snowboarding and skiing... but whatevs.) especially in Utah, where we have the best snow on earth! So today I'm going to bundle up in my under armour, pants, tee shirt underneath a long-sleeved shirt, cardigan, sweatshirt, coat, mittens, and beanie, and trek out into the tundra that is otherwise known as a Logan, Utah winter, and try to notice the beauty surrounding me.

today.... weird as it is that I would be saying this.... I'm thankful for snow.

peace

~just megsie

my bed.

this is one of those trivial things that i think often gets overlooked until we go on a week long camping trip and have to sleep on the hard ground.... but i am SO thankful for a warm, comfy bed. let me also just say how much i love my bed in my dorm. to me it's probably the most comfortable bed i have ever slept on.

but in all seriousness, this is a luxury many people don't get to have. and i'm so thankful to have it. ESPECIALLY as someone who loves sleep more than anything in the whole wide world.

today, i'm thankful for my bed.

music.

man oh man, what would i do without music?

some days, music is literally the ONLY thing that gets me through the day. music can help make me happy, it can make me wanna dance, it can make me feel better knowing that other people feel the same way i do (it especially helps in that aspect when i'm sad), it can help me get out my anger and frustrations. best of all, it is the absolute strongest form of feeling the Spirit, for me. music is another one of my rocks.

today, i'm thankful for music.

nature.

today is a beautiful fall day. we won't be having many more of those, unfortunately. but today it is warm. it is colorful. it is absolutely stunning, everywhere i go.

Heavenly Father must love us a lot to have given us such a beautiful world to learn and grow in. seriously, it is GORGEOUS.

today i'm thankful for nature.

friends.

i know this one may seem a little cliche', but I just LOVE my friends: the ones back home and the ones I've met up here. Now, I don't have a ton of close friends up here, but patience has led me to finding some pretty good ones. Like my roommate, for example, Brooke. Through the course of the semester we've gotten pretty close. tonight we went to McDonald's and watched 500 Days of Summer. Which you need to go watch if you haven't yet. Go. Right now. It's phenomenal. Same with my other roommate, Michaela. I love hanging out with them and talking to them. There's also Annie, Shanae and Hannah, two of which I went trick-or-treating with on Halloween. Awww yeah. And they're the ones I'll be rooming with next semester. I'm pretty stoked!

Then of course there are my friends back home, who I've talked enough about. Annie, Paige, Kayla, Jared, Greg, Hunter..... they're all my rocks. And though Jared is on his mission now, I still feel that way.

they've all gotten me through a lot. they've stayed me friend even when i was in some pretty dark places. they make me laugh on my worst days. they help me remember who i am. they listen always, and offer advice when needed. but also if needed, sometimes they just listen.

today, i'm thankful for good friends who make me laugh 'til i can't breathe and get me through.

answers.

alright. a lot of people on facebook are posting one thing a day that they're thankful for leading up to thanksgiving. Well, I figured I would do the same thing, except just do it on the good ol' blog.

i'm mostly doing that because i talk too much and, let's be real, i'd exceed the facebook status word limit.

now, i've obviously been struggling just a little bit with actually doing this, as it is now the 7th of november and a post has yet to be seen until now. i do remember what it was i was GOING to write about for every day though,  so excuse me while i post 7 days worth of thankfulness into one day.

day 1: answers.

i'm honestly very surprised that i haven't posted about this one yet, if anything.

this one was automatic when i woke up november 1. i knew exactly what day one of thankfulness was going to be for.

last wednesday, on Halloween, my friend Josh and I went to the temple. if the temple hadn't been so incredibly freaking amazing that day, which i'll get to, josh honestly could have ended up having his own post. let me just tell you, I ADORE this boy! No, not in the lovey dovey, romantic, i have an undying crush kind of way. just in a, he's the lamar to my shaqueequee, black-friend-slash-kindred-spirit-wecantalkforhours-slash-hekeepsmesane-slash-just-good-friends-slash-i just like hanging out with him sort of way.

i should probably point out that though i call him my black friend, he is, in fact, white.

in fact, if i'm the whitest girl on the planet (which i am), then he's the whitest boy. which is why we obviously have to compensate by acting black when we're together. duh.

(hence lamar and shaqueequee. or, when we're superheroes.... lamonster and shakiller bee.)

but anyway, the point.

let me first give some background on a big decision i'd been struggling to make. the week before last, it suddenly dawned on me that i could do exactly what my roommate, brooke, is doing, and go home for the semester. she's going on a mission as well, and like me can't leave until the summer. but she's still going home at the semester to save up money for the mission. I don't know why it hadn't really dawned on me before that I could do that. I don't know. I guess I just had a year of school set in my head already, even before the mission age was announced, so it sort of just stayed that way. But then, one day it kind of just hit me: "you could go home."

Honestly, I think part of me had the thought because it had been a really rough week. I was sick for three days, really sick, and that put me out of class. So then I was stressed because I was behind on class. Socially I wasn't feeling so hot because i hadn't left my apartment in days, and as I said in my last post, wasn't really feeling like I had made any close friends. Plus, it was my first time being sick away from home. I asked my mom, and my brother, and they both said if I did go home then I needed to at least go to the U, to get a full year of school done before the mish.

I just did not know what to do. There were SO many reasons to go home. Most notably, financially. I could live at home, I'd actually get money BACK from the U, I could probably work more. Then there's the fact that I could have that time to spend with my family and friends before I left. But then, there was just part of me nagging and telling me I need to stay at Utah State. But honestly, there weren't really that many reasons to stay. It's not like I have any best friends up here, or a boyfriend. Brooke will be leaving at semester, leaving the possibility of some crazy girl moving in to her bed, someone who I may not live with as well as Brooke and I live together. Not to mention the fact that making enough money to live AND be saving for my mission would be insanely, ridiculously hard. And yet, part of me kept thinking I did need to stay here.

It was a really hard day. I remember breaking down in tears in the bathroom, because I just didn't know what to do and was so scared. And it's not like I could just wait it out, because in order to not have to pay for my housing next semester an Intent to Vacate form HAD to be filled out by November 1. So basically, I had less than a week to decide. And to me, it was a really big decision. How to spend a whole semester is a big deal; especially a whole semester before your mission. I'd been praying about it, and was leaning a little towards staying at USU, but then Kenz had emailed me back after I asked her and she said "honestly, if it were me I'd do classes at the U." Great. Awesome. Now I was even more torn.

The thought had occurred to me that I haven't been to the temple in quite some time. Josh and I had talked about going before, since he's an Elder now and can baptize/confirm in the temple. So I asked him if we could go before November 1. Not even thinking about the fact that it was Halloween at all, we decided to go last Wednesday. I didn't really know what to expect. I hadn't made a sure decision yet, and I was hoping time in the Lord's House would help lead me to one.

As Josh and I sat in the chapel of the baptistry waiting to be brought in for confirmations, we were both reading our scriptures. I had turned to Doctrine and Covenants, Section 58, Verse 3:

"Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation." 

See, a big reason why I was having such a rough time deciding, was because I knew just how hard staying at Utah State would be. basically, just about everything pointed to going home and attending the U of U. Cheaper, less stressful, at home when faced with doubts/fears, time with family and friends.... it would have just made sense to go home. And yet, there was that nagging thought at the back of my head again, that I need to stay at Utah State. But that would be retorted with "but it would be SO HARD to stay here." So, I was so unsure. Unsure in a way I've never been in my whole life.

Then, I read this scripture.

Upon reading it, something began to stir inside of me. Well, that stirring became concrete when we went into the confirmation room. As Josh said the first names, it all became clear. I should first say that Josh seems calm, cool and collected basically all the time. You know, except for when he's acting like a crazy spazz around friends, but still. He never seems nervous or afraid. I didn't ask but I'm pretty sure this wasn't his first rodeo with doing baptizing and confirmations. And yet, as he read the names of the people I was being confirmed for, his voice sounded shaky and uncertain. It's like he knew this was a really big moment for me. It's like he knew reading the names, with his hands on my head, and saying the prayer, was going to give me an answer I had been seeking. But how could he have known? I had told him I wanted to go to the temple that week. I hadn't ever told him why.

THE CHURCH IS TRUE, KIDS. That's how.

Anyway, tears started streaming down my cheeks in a way they never have when I've done Baptisms for the Dead as names were read and I imagined these women on the other side finally becoming official members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I thought back to the scripture in D&C, and realized my answer.

Like these women I was doing work for, there would be people, wherever it may be that I serve, who will be waiting to hear the message of the Gospel specifically from me. And they will need me to be the best missionary I can be, as prepared as possible when I leave. That means, facing much tribulation first. Yes, staying at Utah State would be really, really difficult. It would. Especially if it stays as hard as it is now. But it's what I need. I'm not saying I haven't been faced with tribulation before, but I need a different kind. A kind that requires endurance day after day, rather than just at a time of trial. Yeah, there was the answer. I remember Josh looking at me questioningly when I stood up from the chair with  a couple of tears still left on my cheeks, but I saved the explanation for later.

He confirmed my answer when we had exited the temple and I told him why I needed to go so badly, and why he saw me cry in the confirmation room, with his own story. He almost didn't do a semester of school. (He leaves for his mission to Taiwan in January) He almost just stayed home to work. But he had prayed about it and knew, for some reason, he needed to. Well, as it would happen he moves in and has the worst roommates you could imagine. Seriously. There were, a LOT of bad things going on in that apartment. One of his roommates was feeling just as uncomfortable as he was. There were certain things Josh said he had to turn his roommates in for. And he said how hard it was, to stand up for himself and for what he knew was right like that. Well, he turned them in, and now he and his roommate live in the house of one of Josh's friend's relatives. He said this semester of school has been the absolute hardest thing he's ever done, but that it's made him a stronger person. Plus, he thinks if he hadn't been there, maybe his roommate wouldn't have gotten himself out of that situation. Maybe there would have been another kid living there instead who wouldn't have had the strength to turn them in and get the heck out of there. Yeah, he says it's been really hard. But he also says it's been worth it, saying "all the best things in life never come easy." I hope he doesn't mind me talking about this. It just made me know absolutely that I had gotten the right answer.

It's funny, how you finally figure out what the Lord wants of you and accept it, how things start to look up. Already that night, I ended up going trick-or-treating with some girls who live below me (yes, we're in college and went trick-or-treating. don't hate) when I hadn't had any plans before and kind of felt like  a loser because of it. Turns out too, that those girls have some people in their apartment who will be moving out and they were just like "oh my gosh! MOVE DOWN HERE!" So there solves the fear of a new psycho roommate, because I'm already such good friends with these girls. Looking back on that a week later, so many things have already fallen into place since I accepted the answer. Funny how that happens.

So, I guess this is my long way of saying I'm so thankful for the Lord and for trusting His children enough to give us personal revelation. He's given me so many answers in just the past month, and I'm so thankful for that.

On day 1, I'm thankful for answers.

peace

~just megsie

P.S. Here are some pics, of course:

our bus adventure riding home from the temple. 

 I TOLD YOU WE WAS BLACK. we be G. 

trick or treating with mah girls. flapper, baby and barbie. awww yeah.

home.

Haaaiiii :)

 sorry it's been literally almost a month since i last wrote. i guess i've been really busy. but i mean probably not really. i just like to say that because it makes me feel like i'm so cool that i have a life. When let's be real.... my life consists of school and work.

Well, I've been in Salt Lake at least one day the past four weekends for one reason or another, and in these weeks it's become very clear what to write about.

Home.

The concept of home is perhaps one of the biggest things college has changed. When I'm up in Logan, and say "I'm going home for the weekend" I'm talking about Salt Lake. When I'm in Salt Lake and have gotten enough of it and say "I can't wait to go home!" I mean my apartment at trusty, sketchy, Wasatch Hall. Both homes mean something different to me.

The first couple of times I went home to salt lake after being in college for a few weeks, I was overwhelmed. Sure, it was nice to see family and everything. But the problem was, the person I was on August 17th is different from the person August 18th and on has made me as I've been up at college. Past and present Megans are two very different people. But when I went home, I felt like I didn't know how to show people the new Megan. They were still expecting the past one. So the past one is what I gave them. Return to Logan and I'd slip comfortably into the routine of college life and the person I am when I'm here... then go home again and be that other person.

Have you ever felt torn in two? Because that's how I was feeling.

But, I've gone home a few more times now, and slowly but surely I've come into the groove and morphing past and present megans together. They're bringing out the best in each other. Past me, is the me that is optimistic and maintains an eternal perspective through every trial and looks to God and never complains. Present me, well, she needs to work on that a little bit, as recent experiences such as death and heartbreak have made her all too aware of the dangers of growing up. But see, that's the good thing about her, too. She's experienced the danger, and by so doing she's growing up. She is the one who recognizes the importance of home and family and remembering where you come from. She is the one who tries to live her days making Barb proud because now that Barb is gone from this life, she feels her everywhere.

The Megan that my first 18 years of life turned me into, and the Megan of this new life, are slowly teaching each other. And as they learn from each others' experiences and attributes, they're making me the best person I can be. They're teaching me things about myself I didn't know before. Thanks to the two of them and their combined efforts, I'm becoming the woman I need to be. Sure, I've got a long way to go. But that's what they're doing.

And now, going home never fails to be just what I need it to be.

Let's start with the 29th of September. Some friends and I went to Salt Lake for the X96 BigA Show. It's a concert put on by X96 radio station, and mostly includes bands who originated in Utah. This year's show included The Wombats (who are awesome, by the way. give 'em a listen), Neon Trees, The Used, AWOLNATION, and Imagine Dragons. I of course was overjoyed to see Imagine Dragons live. We were right up in the middle, pretty close to the stage for them! The crowd absolutely erupted when they started playing Radioactive. It was like everyone was on audio ecstacy. It was fantastic! Anyway, the point. It was my first time being in Salt Lake since I left home. Pulling in to downtown, seeing that capital right above the temple, and I knew I was home. I felt like I could breathe again. It's not like I even grew up right in the downtown area, but walking around with my friends, who are Logan natives, I felt so comfortable. After the show, they were nice enough to stop by good ol' Nielsen's. I called up my best friend since childhood Mikayla, and told her to meet me there. We basically attacked each other when we met up. Gosh, I love her! I of course saw my old coworkers. I love them too. Then I stopped in at home just long enough to say hi to the parentals, have my cute dog Charlie Bear pee on my friend, and get some food from mom to bring up to school. We were only in Holladay for maybe an hour, but it was so, SO good to be there. I can't even tell you. And I mean, the concert was AWESOME. So there's that. Here are some pics:

One week later and I went home on Sunday to watch General Conference with the family. I was super tempted to make this its own post, but I think I'll wait and do that later. The day before, in the Saturday Morning session of conference, my life was changed forever when President Monson announced the new ages for missionaries: 18 for boys, and 19 for girls.

NINETEEN FOR GIRLS.

The answer was immediate. I'm going on a mission.

Okay. I guess I'll talk about this for a second.

Up until now, the mission thing was kind of up in the air for me. I had friends who were 100% positive they wanted to go, but I always kind of thought "I'll see where I'm at in life at 21 and decide." Flash forward to college, where, I truly have been loving life, don't get me wrong. But... I've been lacking direction. I've been feeling lost. Unsure of what Heavenly Father wants me to do. I mean, in some ways I know what, like raising a family and getting my degree, but those are both years down the road. What does he want from me, megan gayle dolan, RIGHT NOW? For the past few months, I've felt like I've been reaching out for something, but it slips away before I can grab it.

Then Saturday, October 6, my life changed.

My head was reeling. My roommate and I were bawling. This was an answer, to so many prayers. It was as if this revelation was just for me. I thought right back to my Patriarchal Blessing, where it talks about me being a missionary. Up until that day, I thought that probably meant I'd go on a mission with my husband, or help convert a friend, or something. But the exact words on the exact page came right into mind. I could almost hear my Father saying "my precious daughter, this is for you." A gift. A blessing.

An answer.

A place to go. Direction.

"I'm going on a mission." It was the strangest, yet most beautiful thing for me to say. I immediately thought of Barb, who would be so proud because she went on a mission. And of my sister. My sister? OH my heck, Kenz and I would be going three years now without seeing each other, instead of the planned 18 months. No, I wouldn't be in a serious relationship when she got back, like she so adamantly predicted. Nope, instead I'd be on a mission. Crazy. Absolutely crazy.

No one was more excited than my brother, I think. seeing his excitement was so good, because my brother hasn't been the type to show emotion a whole ton. His excitement was such a refreshing thing to see. The support I got from my whole family in my decision was amazing. I literally have the best family in the entire world. In Kenz's email to me, she was beside herself with excitement for me! Her and I are now going to go three years without seeing each other because our missions will overlap, but we know the sacrifice is worth it. And besides, we have eternity together. It'll be worth it to help others achieve eternity with their families, too.

By the way, guys. I'M GOING ON A MISSION.

Last weekend: I went home because I was helping judge debate. Yeah, I was on the debate team in high school. don't hate. we're the coolest. you're just jealous. but anyway, my team goes to St. George every year (which i have had to pay for when i've gone), but this year, since I went as a judge, it was alllll paid for. yeah buddy! it was so good to see the younger kids from my team. i stepped onto the bus to a "MEGGGGAAAAAANNNN!" followed by a line of people who wanted to hug me. a line! they make me feel like a superstar. Plus, I got to see my best friend/wife Paige, which is always a plus. And seriously, olympus high debaters are the coolest kids, ever. we always have a good time. I got home to Salt Lake on Saturday night, but Sunday was the first of many farewells to my coworker from Nielsen's, Brando. Love that kid. I'll miss him! His farewell was a good chance to see the other coworkers too though, so that was good. Good weekend to see people I rarely ever see, even more so than my main group of friends.

Alright, we're almost there, I swear.

This weekend:

It was Fall Break. We got a whole whopping ONE DAY off. Unlike all the other universities in the state, who got a whole week off the week before. Really, USU? Thanks.

Anyways, I went home. I got me some McDonald's, first off. FINALLY. Then babysat my nephews. I seriously, cannot get enough of those two little boys. They are just so cute I can't stand it.

Friday, Paige and I played, because any time together is never enough. We went to dinner, then dyed my hair. You know. Typical Friday night. It's fine. Shout out to Paige. I LOVE her. I can't even tell you! We always have such a good time together, and I love talking to her. It's just easy. Love my wife/best friend. :)

RED HAIR DON'T CARE.

Saturday, I saw ANNIE, who I had not seen since before I left for school! it was an epic reunion!.... we watched TV. Yep, nothing's changed between us. But hey, that's why we're best friends! It was so good to see her, it really was. Even if it was just for a couple of hours.

After dropping Annie off, I went to my friend Jared's house for the get-together he was having because he's leaving for his mission....:) :( THAT was awesome. It was like a big high school reunion, but only with the people that I like (because those are the people closest to JareBear.) Seeing everyone and catching up was amazing. I don't think I've ever hugged so many people, accompanied with the phrase "how are you?" (but said in a super excited voice) so many times in a couple of hours. I love these people who shaped me into who I am. It's strange to go from seeing someone every single day for three years to never seeing them. It's strange to think that life and high school go on without you when you graduate. But, we all still get along and as much as we enjoy reminiscing in the glory days, we don't let ourselves get too stuck in the past. It was good, but it's gone and good times are waiting for us ahead. We don't want to miss them because we're too busy stumbling over memories. Anyway, JareBear's farewell was the next day, and that was an even BIGGER high school reunion! With the kiddos who are still in high school included. I love them.

Jare did such a great job on his talk. It's strange to think he'll actually be back before me! I'm going to miss this kid so much. We had amazing memories serving on the seminary council together, choir tour, and of course Italian class with crazy Madame Durst. We are basically just crazy when we're together, holding each others' wrists (instead of hands. haha inside joke...) I always have a smile on my face around the always-happy Jared Stewart. Rome, Italy is lucky to have this guy! Love you Jare! #seeyouintwo

After Jared's party, Mikayla and I reunited! For real this time, rather than just for five minutes. I love that girl so much. We can talk for hours, without ever getting bored. She listens to me and my stories, then I listen to her. And we take the most photogenic pictures I think the world has ever seen....

And then I came home. See, I did it again. "Home" this time, refers to Logan.

Let me get to my point about my two homes, though.

Both places have aspects that I love, and aspects I could do without. For instance, I've become so used to walking in Logan, looking up at the sky, and seeing clear black with stars EVERYWHERE. And I mean everywhere. In Salt Lake, I missed that. There's too much light pollution to really see any of that beautiful, beautiful sky. (Although in both places you can now see Orion, my favorite constellation. Yay!) But, I could do without the closed in feeling I get here. Or the cold. Gosh, it is so cold. I can't even tell you. I love the openness of Salt Lake, but I don't like how dirty it is.

I hate the shower pressure at home now. I've decided the shower in my dorm has ruined me, because it is the perfect pressure and all other showers don't even compare. Same with my dorm bed. I actually love it. I have the most comfortable night's sleep. I didn't think I'd like it, but I love it.

As much as I enjoy the people I've met up here, there just hasn't been anyone I've made a real connection with. And I have so many of those back home. So many deeply rooted connections. Paige, Annie, Mikayla, Jared, my debaters, and even the other kids from high school who I saw. And more than anything, I feel so appreciated there. Maybe it's because I'm not there very often. I don't know. But back home, people have seen the full on, crazy, sometimes cranky, sometimes emotional, but all the time crazy, Megs. And they love me for it. Up here, well.... I don't think anyone has even seen all of that, except for maybe my coworkers. And I've found that I'm floating. I float, between groups to hang out with.  But I don't have those friends yet who I could call up and say "hey, let's hang out." Back home, I have a hard time fitting everyone who wants to see me into the few days I'm there! That's not to sound cocky, that's just to show how people there appreciate me..

That's probably been the hardest part of leaving THAT home. I miss those people who have seen every part of my soul-- even the deepest, darkest, most sorrowful parts of it-- and stay with me until the sun comes out. They focus on the bright, happy part of my soul. The only part I really let anyone see except for those I fully trust. They love me, and they constantly tell me so. Up here, I have many acquaintances but few friends. Most days I'm able to lie to myself and hide from that sad truth, but then there are other days where I wonder why that hasn't happened for me yet, and I don't break down, but rather a melancholy mood follows me throughout the whole day. Right now, I'm relying on my friends back home, and my best friends, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, to pull me through until I meet those people I know I was meant to meet. Those people who are part of the reason why Heavenly Father sent me to Utah State. I KNOW I'm supposed to be here. And I am having a good time, don't get me wrong. I just want to meet a soul like mine. But I will wait until I do.

Home. It's strange to have two.

But past and present Megans love it, and we're going to look on towards the future while loving both places.