you.

hey, you. 

yes. you. 

the person who will never actually read this, unless you remember the link i gave you to this blog and legitimately read it. 

part of me hopes you do. part me hopes you don't. 

anyways, hi. 

i miss you. 

i wish i didn't, too. i wish with every part of me that i didn't. but with every part of me, i do. i miss you. 

you pop into my head without warning, every day. i can't get away from you. 

i would've been content with never seeing you again after that first day, the day we met. you were just a friend of a friend. i've met a lot of friends of friends. they pass through my life without sticking and i'm quite okay with that. 

but somehow, you knew. 

you knew the way i tick in a way some people who have known me my whole life still haven't figured out. you knew what to say. how i was feeling. why i was feeling it. i don't know how you knew. but somehow, you just, knew. 

you listened. you cared. i think you cared. 

and i'll never be the same. 

i thought it was going to be awkward. that day we were first alone. i've had some pretty awkward experiences before, with people i've talked to virtually more than i have in person. like you. so i thought it'd be awkward. i had no idea you saw me as anything. i thought it'd be two friends hanging out.

then you bought me a tigger. most people make fun of me, but you didn't. you took the time, to buy me something so childish yet so important to me. i didn't even ask you to. you just knew.
then you held my hand when we were stopped at a crosswalk. you didn't do that stupid transition, take five years to do it, thing. you just reached out, and took my hand.
i liked that.
i liked the way it felt in yours.

it was like it was just against the world, in the city. then it was like we were the only two people in the world, at the park. you saw right through me. i felt safe with you. i felt good with you.
it was the most absolutely perfect night.

and so soon, you were no longer a part of my life. i was blindsided. shocked. broken. i told everyone i was okay. but i wasn't. i'm still not fully recovered. because all i know is how perfect any night with you was. it didn't matter if it was in person or not. if you were there, it was perfect.

all i know, is i never saw you coming. and i'll never be the same.

i denied it for so long. i told everyone how dumb you were. how wrong for me you were. how i deserved better and it was a good thing things didn't work out.
but i was lying to them, and i was lying to myself.
because how it really is, is i'm not over you. as much as i wish i was, i'm not. i don't know why. i DO deserve better than the way you treated me. than the way you are. but you can't control things like this. i can't control things like this. i wish i could. there are so many reasons why you're wrong for me. why i should be over you. and yet, for some reason, i'm not.
i'm just, not.
like i said. i'll never be the same.
i miss you.
so here's to you:
come back.