look.

It dawned on me today that I've never given a real, proper introduction of myself on here.

I mean...for anyone who cares.

But lately, up at school, there's been a lot of assumptions being made about me it seems. The unfortunate thing about college is often times, people's first impression of you becomes who you are in their eyes, if they don't take the time to know you.

Well, let's just say there haven't been too many people up here who have taken the time to know me.

And even those who say they know me, well, they probably don't either.

It's been really hard. I'm not going to pretend life up at school is dandy right now, because it's not. Maybe I'll write on that.

Well, assumptions are probably my biggest pet peeve. Which I realize is hypocritical, considering I know I do it too sometimes. We all do; it's a natural part of being human.

But people here are assuming a lot of things about me. They're assuming they've got me all figured out. They're assuming I'm not absolutely, inescapably, lonely up here, and that that loneliness isn't transcending every other mood and creating my behavior.

Again...more on that later.

For now, I figured maybe those assumptions would be made more clear once people take a look inside my head, and see the characteristics that define Megan Gayle Dolan. Here it goes:

1. I am spontaneous. I act on impulse. I'm not a plan ahead kind of gal. I act on whims and play everything by ear. This is also true with my emotions: extreme anger can make itself present when I'm flying high on happiness with almost no warning at all, and sometimes for the most pathetic reasons. I know that's how life just is, but I feel like my daily spontaneity is more common in me than in most. This aspect of myself sometimes creates the absolute most thrilling of memories...but it can also lead to mistakes, and, too often, illogical sadness or anger.

2. I crave human interaction. Yes, sometimes I need "me" time. Sometimes I'm way too lazy to leave my apartment and feel perfectly content watching The Vampire Diaries all night long. Heck, my Valentine this year was Netflix. But I have this inescapable craving for people. As much as I try to say they don't matter, they do. And not just that, but I want to be EVERYONE'S friend. So when I fail at doing so....well, it affects me on a deeper level than anyone can understand. When I miss out on things, I take it personally. As if my friends purposefully went "let's do this BECAUSE Megan's not here." Illogical, I know. But as you're starting to find, logic and Megan just don't have good chemistry. The only time they go together is when you want to create a science experiment with a Volcano and have it explode. (As in we're vinegar and baking soda...get it? Nevermind.) Anyway, I just want constant love from people. I want TO love people. So when I'm not given the opportunity, it stays with me for weeks.

3. I have a high water table. A common phrase people who know me have heard me say is "curse you, overactive tear ducts!" I am a crier. This seems to surprise most people who haven't known me long when they find out. But dude, I seriously am. I cry when I'm happy. I cry when I'm sad. I cry when I'm angry. (My sister Jen can understand the absolute inconvenience of this; it's impossible to yell at someone without crying, and it sucks.) The thing is, I even cry when I'm not really in any extreme emotion. Something remotely bad can happen; something that, on the inside, really doesn't upset me that much at all. But on the outside? It looks like I'm falling apart. I promise, I'm not. My tears just love to flow. Unfortunately, this has sometimes given me the all too insulting reputation of being a crybaby. Of being too sensitive. But really, most things don't get to me that much. Ask anyone who knows me really well: even the most catastrophic of events affect me for maybe a week or two. However, that does bring me to my next one.

4. I am sensitive. Okay, so I know this kind of contradicts what I JUST said. I am sensitive in both senses of the word. I'm blessed with the ability to empathize with others. This is why I think assumptions bother me so very badly. It's because, for the most part, I try to understand that most external behaviors have a deeper meaning to them. However, I am practically sensitive. I feel like most people think I'm either way too sensitive or completely insensitive. But I am a strong girl yet also fully aware of not only my emotions but those of others as well. Things don't upset me nearly as much as they seem to and I care a whole lot more about others than I sometimes let on. Which brings us to

5. I care too much. Pretty self-explanatory. It's a gift and a curse of mine that I just care so much about others. Their lives affect me. Best friends, family members.... when they hurt, I hurt. Sometimes too much to bear. They also affect me more than I will EVER admit out loud. I grow very deeply connected to people; often much more attached to them than they are to me. My attachments to people are not hard to create and they come quickly. In my experience, though, they've also been cut off abruptly and without my control. And even though I am very able to let them go, I never, and I mean ever, stop caring about them. Yes, even the guy who cheated on me, and the one who broke up with me over Facebook, and the friend who spread malicious rumors about me then never spoke to me again... I think about all of them, all the time. Even though I know I could get hit by a bus and they wouldn't notice, I care. And I don't stop. The gift of this aspect of me is it has made me a fierce, fierce friend, daughter, sister, etc. I strive so much to make them happy. But don't think I do this altruistically; I do it because I am much more happy when they are. I never STOP until they are. And when I fail, if I can't do anything...well, that affects me too.

6. I am inherently happy. My patriarchal blessing even tells me so. It tells me I will be free from prolonged periods of discouragement or disappointment, but that I will always maintain a happy, positive outlook. It's always just natural for me to be happy. I seriously feel like this is because I am so very lazy and being any other emotion for too long is so very exhausting. Plus, I have great control over my mind. When I tell myself to be happy, it's not too long before I simply am. However, since I'm not a robot, I do feel anger, and sadness, and fear, and despair, and loneliness. As I briefly alluded to before, in fact, I'm feeling some of those as my fingers pitter-patter across my keyboard. But, people typically assume I'm always okay, so unless I say so, I don't always get the help I need. What do ya know? That leads to:

7. I'm a great faker. Seriously, sometimes my acting performances simply astound me. To me, being anything but happy makes me feel extremely weak. And so, I don't like to show it to too many people. Really only God and maybe one other person of choice will know the depth of my despair when I feel it. I put on a good show when I need to, and as both Poulsen AND Dolan, I am a whopping, good ol' dose of stubbornness. Which means I really don't like asking for help. From my Father in Heaven, of course, but often times His way of helping us is through others, and sometimes I'm too stubborn to ask for or even accept that kind of help. This one is so totally my fault, but it is what it is.

8. I feel fiercely. My happiness is my go-to emotion, but because the other emotions can sometimes be rare, when I do feel them, I feel them to such a depth that even those people in that Sci-Fi movie where they dig to the core of the earth wouldn't be able to find them. A friend of mine in high school described me perfectly with those emotions "your bulb burns twice as bright for half the time." Which means, I'm never sad for long, but when I am sad, I am in complete sorrow. When I'm angry, you probably should just leave me alone for a few hours, because it's explosive.

9. I move on quickly. Like I said, I never stop caring about people, but I still move on from them. That's why I usually do things without weighing out the risk; I figure may as well live with "oh wells" than "what ifs." And even if I know I'll feel writhing anger or heartwrenching sadness for about a week when things don't work out, it'll be gone, so why not? I also forgive quickly. Sometimes, people take my forgiveness as an excuse to do it again, but what do I do? I forgive them again and again. Because I care. Because I'm kind of an idiot sometimes. Meh.

10. I love, love. I am just addicted to it. That's why I let myself fall so easily. That's why I've had so many fleeting relationships. I fall in love quickly but they don't usually feel it back. My friends and family give such valiant efforts at trying to make me have some sense of self-preservation, but what can I say? I fall, very easily. And like in number nine, I am really, really, really upset for a week or two. And then I go "time to lock my heart." Yeah, that lasts about as long as it takes for the next cute guy who's just as crazy as I am to come along and hold my hand. In high school, every time I got over one guy, I'd go "I like being single. I hate liking people. I'm not going to like people anymore." And then my friends would laugh and go "Megan, let's be real here." And they're right. I LOVE BOYZ 2 MUCH.

11. I'm a Cancer. As in the astrology sign, not the disease. Although some people might look at it that way....? Anywho, here's some stuff from an astrology website describing a cancer. I put this here because I am a VERY, VERY, stereotypical Cancer, minus one or two characteristics. Every one of these, though, is Megan to a T:

"At one point of time, you may have seen him in a typical party mood, enjoying himself and laughing at other people's jokes. He may come across as the most extroverted member in the entire group. However, another time, he may be completely introverted, sitting in a corner and lost in his own world."

"hey love to dream and for them, sky's the limit. When he cries, it is because he is deeply hurt from inside. A harsh glance or a rough tone can easily break Cancer's vulnerable heart."

"When he is hurt, he will either cry his heart out or retreat into a silent spell. "

While in a conversation, the facial features of a crab will change a number of times, displaying his numerous moods. He has a vivid imagination and at times will drown you in his moods too. Each and every experience affects him and gets engraved in his memory. Cancerians remember everything life has taught them and are true patriots. 

"Compassion and intuition gel perfectly with the Cancer profile. He seldom judges people, just soaks up what comes his way and reflects the same. He will never ever give up an object he cherishes, be it a gift from a lover or the worn jeans he loves wearing. Cancerians have a soft heart; they care about people and are quite helpful."

"Cancerian loves, rather reveres, his home and his loved ones. Too much is not even enough for him. He needs more, more security, more love and more care. Insecurity may lead him to depression and weaken him physically. However, Cancerians have this amazing quality of self-healing. All they require is happiness, optimism and laughter in large doses. "

^I should've just published that and called it good. So, very, Megan.

12. I LOVE to laugh. I feel like I should post my most redeeming qualities on here too, not just the not-so-redeeming qualities. Self-explanatory. Laughing is my absolute most favorite thing in this world, and I do it often. I laugh at a lot of things, even thangs that people don't think are funny. But what can I say? I love to do it. Watch out, though; if you make me laugh really hard, I start by laughing silently while clapping my hands like a retarded seal until squeals that sound like that of a dying guinea pig come out of my mouth. Don't say I didn't warn you.

13.  I can be pretty shallow. Yes, I love my hours worth of chats about life and dreams and love and the Gospel. But, man do I gossip. Man do I LOVE tan men with strong hands and blue eyes. (I always look at the hands!). I love my Vampire Diaries, my Pretty Little lIars, and my castle. I can have just as long of conversations about that. I can have just as long of conversations talking about girls I don't like. Yep, I can be as shallow as a kiddie pool. And yep, that IS a quote from Caroline Forbes, a character from the The Vampire Diaries. Sue me.

14. I love to write. I love it because I'm good at it. To me, it's really my only reputable talent. This also means that I sometimes have a hard time expressing things verbally because I can say them so much more eloquently in writing (although, thank you Debate, as my verbal skills have become greatly enhanced since starting high school.) As good as I am at talking, I am SO much better at putting into words that are written down. So if you want to know what i really mean, or what I'm really thinking, or feeling, just have me write you a letter. It'll work out better for both of us. I'm not usually a perfectionist in most aspects of life, but in my writing, I AM. That's why I often go so long without posting on this blog; I start something I have an idea for, but then I NEVER feel like it's finished.

Okay, in all honesty, that's all I can think of. Sorry, I realize fourteen is a super random number. How's about we even it out with some light-hearted, unequivocal trivia about me, shall we?

15. My name is Megan Gayle Dolan, and I'm the youngest of 4 children. Two sisters and a brother. My oldest siter is also married and my brother should be getting to that point soon, so I also ahve a brother-in-law and basically a sister-in-law. I have two nephews as well and they are the cutest children ever to walk this earth. I love them with my whole heart.

16. I love otters and horses.

17. My favorite colors are baby blue and orange. 

18. I get super emotional whenever I start talking about Harry Potter and the fact that I'm a part of the Harry Potter generation

19. I love to read about as much as I love to write. 

20. I can eat an entire bag of pizza rolls in one sitting. 

21. I can Pin nothing but Weddings on Pinterest for hours. seriously, I'm so pumped for marriage it's ridiculous.

22. My dreams are to a. write and publish a book and b. write for The New York Times. In case you didn't guess, my major if Journalism.

23. Nintendo 64 makes me happy. (Who doesn't it make happy?!) Diddy Kong Racing is my favorite game.

24. October Sky, rAdio, The Avengers, 500 Days of Summer, and all of The Lord of the rings and Harry Potters are my favorite movies. 

25. Instead of fairytales, my daddy read me and the sibs The Lord of the Rings as our bedtime stories when we were little. Let's just say the Dolans do things right.

26. I'm a complete daddy's girl. 

27. My favorite music includes T-Swift, Ed Sheeran, U2, The eagles, Journey, Of Monsters and Men, and Imagine Dragons. 

28. I am a proud member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. 

29. I cannot, and I mean cannot, WAIT, to be a missionary. 

30. As crazy, happy, angry, illogical, imperfect, insecure, flawed, perfect, ridiculous as I may be, I always carry around the knowledge that God and Jesus christ live, they love me in my every form, and they are always, always watching over me. 

reflect.

HAPPY NEW YEAR ERRBODY!!!! 

I hope everyone's new year was a good one. I rang in the New Year with good friends. We watched The Proposal, I told a freaking long boy story for the 20th time to catch up one of my friends, we all made our lists for 2013, and of course drove my parents crazy with our madness. Midnight brought us into my street with horns, wearing very corny New Years hats and headbands, letting go of our balloons with our wishes for this year written on them, carrying them up to the Heavens to make them come true. 

One of my favorite parts of New Years is looking back on the list I made last New Years and seeing what I actually did and didn't do. One of my best friends and I started the list-making thing a few years back, drawing a collage of pictures to describe our wishes rather than written a boring list on a piece of paper. It's funny to see how my lists change from year to year. I don't remember everything for 2011, but it included things like "become famous", "get a part in a big movie", "get headshots" (the night before New Years that year my parents were going to not let me get the headshots I had scheduled for the next day. I won.), and mostly things involving fame and success. 

My list for 2012 had the following items: 

Good grades.... kind of check. 

Graduate High School.... check! 

Fall in love...check. 

Buy a random animal....check. (this one was just a funny one I threw on there because I couldn't think of anything. It wasn't until a couple weeks after I bought my fish that I realized I'd fulfilled it!) 

Make money....check. 

Live away from home....check. (this was also one I wasn't sure was actually going to happen, as at the point I made the list I was SURE I was going to the University of Utah.) 

Make (more) friends.... check! (at first I just put "make friends." I had to add the more because my friends went "cool... so we're not your friends.") 

College acceptance and/or scholarships....check! 

Live it up at college!.....check! 

Drink less soda...semi-check. (I was doing really well....then college happened.) 

Boyfriend....check. 

Hand-holding....check. 

Cuddling....check. 

Go on adventures....check. 

First kiss....check. 

Be happy....check. 

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows (cheekily added to my list by my friend)....check on all three. ;) 

Testimony strengthened.... DEFINITE CHECK. 

Those are all the ones on my collage of pictures. maybe if i get around to it i'll add a picture of that one and the 2013 one. 

2012, was an okay year. It had some of the most amazing times, like choir tour and graduation and random adventures with friends and a really great summer. But in every way, it was the hardest year of my life to date. 

It really is strange how different my 2012 list and now my 2013 list are. 

My 2012 list was a lot of very "high school" things. 

wishes of a teenage girl dreaming of perfect love and the perfect life and a lot of things that just, don't matter too much. 

Then, the year 2012 happened. 

Looking back on my year, I refer to it as "the year of goodbyes." 

I had to say way too many goodbyes this year for one person. 

And some were goodbyes in which I'll never understand why they happened. 

I lost some of my best friends to a rumor spread by someone who wanted those people I had in my life and didn't want me to have them. 

A stupid rumor, and they were gone. 

They forgot everything I did for them. 

They forgot everything we'd been through. 

They forgot how often we'd tell each other we loved each other.

....and they were gone. 

Not only did they drop me as a friend, but I began to be treated with so much cruelty. It was a night and day difference, the kind of people these friends turned into. These friends who I spent New Years Eve with last year. If you had told me a year from then that they'd no longer be in my life, I'd have told you you were crazy. 

So that was where it all began. 

I said goodbye to what I think was my first love. 

Although this was more of a "see you later", I said goodbye to my sister for at the time what I thought would be 18 months. Now, it's three years. 

I said goodbye to my sweet and sometimes devilish beagle Ace. He'd been in my life since I was 5 years old. He was my entire childhood. 

I said goodbye to the Olympus High Class of 2012. (a bittersweet one.) 

The hardest goodbye of all.... my sweet Barb. If you had told me I'd lose a best friend to cancer, I would have, again, told you you were crazy. 

Goodbye to someone I thought I knew, who treated me so beautifully until I became an inconvenience. 

Although this is a very joyful goodbye, goodbye to several best friends--the most respectful, sweet, hilarious, genuine boys I know--as they leave for their missions. 

Goodbye to friends I met up at school. This one was weird; I didn't really think I'd grown attached to anybody up there, until the end of the semester came and they moved back home, not coming back after the break. I knew all semester this was coming, but suddenly it was upon me and I was a lot more upset than I thought I'd be. ESPECIALLY my amazing roommate. We both had rough starts to our school year, but through the semester became the best of friends. After she left, I walked into our bedroom, saw her now completely empty side of the room...and just fell on my bed and cried. Miss you Brookie if you're reading this! 

I'm a big believer in change. In fact, I thrive on it. I don't like routine because I get so very bored of it, so very quickly. 

But the aspect of change I've never been good at, is the goodbye. 

I am very easily impacted by people. Not in the sense of caring what other people think of me, but in the sense of, people I become close with, spend a lot of time with, worm their way into my heart without too much effort. It's the same way for me in love, which is why I've had more heartbreaks than I should; because I give people my heart too quickly and too easily. 

Some people can say goodbye so easily. It doesn't mean they don't care about the people in their lives, but rather their good at keeping the knowledge that they'll remain in the crevices of their heart forever, always to be carried through life even if they never cross paths again. 

For me, this definitely is not so. 

I envy those people. Because goodbyes, they affect me. 

And I've never had to say as many as I did in the year 2012. 

But these goodbyes, they made me grow up. 

They made me figure out what really matters in life. 

Barb left, leaving behind her legacy of happiness. I took it upon myself this year to keep that legacy moving forward. To smile in the face of sadness, to forgive in the face of betrayal, to trust when given no answers, to stand strong in the face of pain, to love in the face of hatred, and to have faith in the valley of the shadow of death. 

Lost love made me realize what I deserve. That man out there who will be by my side at the Gates of Glory is worth waiting for. I'm thankful for the memories made with the others. I do not disregard the happiness they gave me, even if it was just for a time and was followed by some amounts of pain. My Father has somebody special waiting for me, and all of these moments, all of these experiences, are leading me to him. 

The betrayal I experienced by close friends made me depend so much more on my real friends, and made me realize just who that is. 

The girls who will be laughing with me when we're old and gray, who will be by me in all of my wedding pictures and will be keeping me fed on that big day because they know how crank I get when I'm hungry. They'll laugh at me and shove a donut and a Dr. Pepper into my hand. 

And the boys who showed me what honorable men look like. Who protected me all those crazy years of high school and kept me laughing all the while. Who took me to dances, brought me food when I was sick, and somehow managed to know this semester EXACTLY which day to send me a letter from their missions. Who will be threatening the guy I marry of what they'll do to him if I ever get hurt. ;) 

Those are the truest of friends that I have come to recognize and constantly show my appreciation toward. These are one in a million friends. I'm so lucky to know them. I'm so lucky to have them. 

Though my sister and I will be parted for three years now, it will be so worth it to give other families the eternity she and I have already been promised. Her service is blessing my family and I so very much. 

Leaving for college, has brought me so close to my family. They've all done so much for me, whether I'm at home or away. I have the best family in the world. It's easy to forget that sometimes, but being away makes me remember it more often. 

Lastly, every trial, every tear, every heartbreak, every unanswered question, every death, every big decision, every smile, every laugh, every good time and every bad, has brought me closer to my Father in Heaven and to His Son. They have been with me every step of the way. Even when I thought I was alone, I wasn't. They were always there. Everything I've gone through this year has been worth it for the testimony I have today that I would not have if things had played out differently. For the closeness I have with Them that I otherwise wouldn't have if this year had been easy. I will leave on my mission this year with confidence knowing they are always with me. Knowing that through Christ, I CAN do hard things. I can! 

All of the goodbyes also brought a lot of hellos; hellos to truly extraordinary people who have made me better and brought me a lot of joy. 

This was such a year of growth, and such a year of learning. I learned that things don’t always turn out the way you planned, or the way you think they should. I’ve learned that there are things that go wrong that don’t always get fixed or get put back together the way they were before. I’ve learned that some broken things stay broken, and I’ve learned that you can get through bad times and keep looking for better ones, as long as you have faith in God and trust that things will work out and 

people around you who love you.

My 2013 list, is very different from 2012. 

It's got things on it like "become a better me" and "do things that scare me" and "keep strengthening my testimony" and of course the "open my mission call" and "leave on my mission." Last year were rather shallow, selfish things. This year's, is all about wanting to make me better so that I can in turn help make the world better and bring other people to the happiness I've found in the Gospel. And, a miracle happened guys, as there is NOTHING on this year's list related to boys or relationships. To any of you who know me well, you know that's big. Seriously. It is. The comparison of the two lists alone is a testament to how much I've grown this past year. I'm so glad for that! 

I'm so grateful for every person in my life who has made me laugh, made me think, made me smile, made me want to be better, taught me a lesson, made me stronger, tolerated my craziness or even joined in on it, and has given me memories to last a lifetime and more this year. You're all in my heart and I love you so! 

At the title of my 2012 list, I had put "this is my year." It wasn't quite that. I don't want to mislead you to think there weren't good times. There were! Some of the best! Choir tour, graduation, trek, a rockin' summer, start of college life with many adventures there, and a whole lot more. This year I'll definitely try to post more about the crazy fun times I have. As of late I've mostly been using this blog as simply a means of venting and reflecting on my growth and experiences, but all the good times are a part of that too! For year 2012, I'll just let all the pics below do the talking. 

But at the top of my 2013 list, I put "a year to remember." And a year to remember it shall be! 

Here's to a year of joy, of HAPPINESS, of SADNESS, of craziness and ridiculousness, of FRIENDS,  of LEARNING, of FAITH, and of LOVE. 

peace

~just megsie