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Haaaiiii :)
sorry it's been literally almost a month since i last wrote. i guess i've been really busy. but i mean probably not really. i just like to say that because it makes me feel like i'm so cool that i have a life. When let's be real.... my life consists of school and work.
Well, I've been in Salt Lake at least one day the past four weekends for one reason or another, and in these weeks it's become very clear what to write about.
Home.
The concept of home is perhaps one of the biggest things college has changed. When I'm up in Logan, and say "I'm going home for the weekend" I'm talking about Salt Lake. When I'm in Salt Lake and have gotten enough of it and say "I can't wait to go home!" I mean my apartment at trusty, sketchy, Wasatch Hall. Both homes mean something different to me.
The first couple of times I went home to salt lake after being in college for a few weeks, I was overwhelmed. Sure, it was nice to see family and everything. But the problem was, the person I was on August 17th is different from the person August 18th and on has made me as I've been up at college. Past and present Megans are two very different people. But when I went home, I felt like I didn't know how to show people the new Megan. They were still expecting the past one. So the past one is what I gave them. Return to Logan and I'd slip comfortably into the routine of college life and the person I am when I'm here... then go home again and be that other person.
Have you ever felt torn in two? Because that's how I was feeling.
But, I've gone home a few more times now, and slowly but surely I've come into the groove and morphing past and present megans together. They're bringing out the best in each other. Past me, is the me that is optimistic and maintains an eternal perspective through every trial and looks to God and never complains. Present me, well, she needs to work on that a little bit, as recent experiences such as death and heartbreak have made her all too aware of the dangers of growing up. But see, that's the good thing about her, too. She's experienced the danger, and by so doing she's growing up. She is the one who recognizes the importance of home and family and remembering where you come from. She is the one who tries to live her days making Barb proud because now that Barb is gone from this life, she feels her everywhere.
The Megan that my first 18 years of life turned me into, and the Megan of this new life, are slowly teaching each other. And as they learn from each others' experiences and attributes, they're making me the best person I can be. They're teaching me things about myself I didn't know before. Thanks to the two of them and their combined efforts, I'm becoming the woman I need to be. Sure, I've got a long way to go. But that's what they're doing.
And now, going home never fails to be just what I need it to be.
Let's start with the 29th of September. Some friends and I went to Salt Lake for the X96 BigA Show. It's a concert put on by X96 radio station, and mostly includes bands who originated in Utah. This year's show included The Wombats (who are awesome, by the way. give 'em a listen), Neon Trees, The Used, AWOLNATION, and Imagine Dragons. I of course was overjoyed to see Imagine Dragons live. We were right up in the middle, pretty close to the stage for them! The crowd absolutely erupted when they started playing Radioactive. It was like everyone was on audio ecstacy. It was fantastic! Anyway, the point. It was my first time being in Salt Lake since I left home. Pulling in to downtown, seeing that capital right above the temple, and I knew I was home. I felt like I could breathe again. It's not like I even grew up right in the downtown area, but walking around with my friends, who are Logan natives, I felt so comfortable. After the show, they were nice enough to stop by good ol' Nielsen's. I called up my best friend since childhood Mikayla, and told her to meet me there. We basically attacked each other when we met up. Gosh, I love her! I of course saw my old coworkers. I love them too. Then I stopped in at home just long enough to say hi to the parentals, have my cute dog Charlie Bear pee on my friend, and get some food from mom to bring up to school. We were only in Holladay for maybe an hour, but it was so, SO good to be there. I can't even tell you. And I mean, the concert was AWESOME. So there's that. Here are some pics:
One week later and I went home on Sunday to watch General Conference with the family. I was super tempted to make this its own post, but I think I'll wait and do that later. The day before, in the Saturday Morning session of conference, my life was changed forever when President Monson announced the new ages for missionaries: 18 for boys, and 19 for girls.
NINETEEN FOR GIRLS.
The answer was immediate. I'm going on a mission.
Okay. I guess I'll talk about this for a second.
Up until now, the mission thing was kind of up in the air for me. I had friends who were 100% positive they wanted to go, but I always kind of thought "I'll see where I'm at in life at 21 and decide." Flash forward to college, where, I truly have been loving life, don't get me wrong. But... I've been lacking direction. I've been feeling lost. Unsure of what Heavenly Father wants me to do. I mean, in some ways I know what, like raising a family and getting my degree, but those are both years down the road. What does he want from me, megan gayle dolan, RIGHT NOW? For the past few months, I've felt like I've been reaching out for something, but it slips away before I can grab it.
Then Saturday, October 6, my life changed.
My head was reeling. My roommate and I were bawling. This was an answer, to so many prayers. It was as if this revelation was just for me. I thought right back to my Patriarchal Blessing, where it talks about me being a missionary. Up until that day, I thought that probably meant I'd go on a mission with my husband, or help convert a friend, or something. But the exact words on the exact page came right into mind. I could almost hear my Father saying "my precious daughter, this is for you." A gift. A blessing.
An answer.
A place to go. Direction.
"I'm going on a mission." It was the strangest, yet most beautiful thing for me to say. I immediately thought of Barb, who would be so proud because she went on a mission. And of my sister. My sister? OH my heck, Kenz and I would be going three years now without seeing each other, instead of the planned 18 months. No, I wouldn't be in a serious relationship when she got back, like she so adamantly predicted. Nope, instead I'd be on a mission. Crazy. Absolutely crazy.
No one was more excited than my brother, I think. seeing his excitement was so good, because my brother hasn't been the type to show emotion a whole ton. His excitement was such a refreshing thing to see. The support I got from my whole family in my decision was amazing. I literally have the best family in the entire world. In Kenz's email to me, she was beside herself with excitement for me! Her and I are now going to go three years without seeing each other because our missions will overlap, but we know the sacrifice is worth it. And besides, we have eternity together. It'll be worth it to help others achieve eternity with their families, too.
By the way, guys. I'M GOING ON A MISSION.
Last weekend: I went home because I was helping judge debate. Yeah, I was on the debate team in high school. don't hate. we're the coolest. you're just jealous. but anyway, my team goes to St. George every year (which i have had to pay for when i've gone), but this year, since I went as a judge, it was alllll paid for. yeah buddy! it was so good to see the younger kids from my team. i stepped onto the bus to a "MEGGGGAAAAAANNNN!" followed by a line of people who wanted to hug me. a line! they make me feel like a superstar. Plus, I got to see my best friend/wife Paige, which is always a plus. And seriously, olympus high debaters are the coolest kids, ever. we always have a good time. I got home to Salt Lake on Saturday night, but Sunday was the first of many farewells to my coworker from Nielsen's, Brando. Love that kid. I'll miss him! His farewell was a good chance to see the other coworkers too though, so that was good. Good weekend to see people I rarely ever see, even more so than my main group of friends.
Alright, we're almost there, I swear.
This weekend:
It was Fall Break. We got a whole whopping ONE DAY off. Unlike all the other universities in the state, who got a whole week off the week before. Really, USU? Thanks.
Anyways, I went home. I got me some McDonald's, first off. FINALLY. Then babysat my nephews. I seriously, cannot get enough of those two little boys. They are just so cute I can't stand it.
RED HAIR DON'T CARE.
Saturday, I saw ANNIE, who I had not seen since before I left for school! it was an epic reunion!.... we watched TV. Yep, nothing's changed between us. But hey, that's why we're best friends! It was so good to see her, it really was. Even if it was just for a couple of hours.
After dropping Annie off, I went to my friend Jared's house for the get-together he was having because he's leaving for his mission....:) :( THAT was awesome. It was like a big high school reunion, but only with the people that I like (because those are the people closest to JareBear.) Seeing everyone and catching up was amazing. I don't think I've ever hugged so many people, accompanied with the phrase "how are you?" (but said in a super excited voice) so many times in a couple of hours. I love these people who shaped me into who I am. It's strange to go from seeing someone every single day for three years to never seeing them. It's strange to think that life and high school go on without you when you graduate. But, we all still get along and as much as we enjoy reminiscing in the glory days, we don't let ourselves get too stuck in the past. It was good, but it's gone and good times are waiting for us ahead. We don't want to miss them because we're too busy stumbling over memories. Anyway, JareBear's farewell was the next day, and that was an even BIGGER high school reunion! With the kiddos who are still in high school included. I love them.
Jare did such a great job on his talk. It's strange to think he'll actually be back before me! I'm going to miss this kid so much. We had amazing memories serving on the seminary council together, choir tour, and of course Italian class with crazy Madame Durst. We are basically just crazy when we're together, holding each others' wrists (instead of hands. haha inside joke...) I always have a smile on my face around the always-happy Jared Stewart. Rome, Italy is lucky to have this guy! Love you Jare! #seeyouintwo
After Jared's party, Mikayla and I reunited! For real this time, rather than just for five minutes. I love that girl so much. We can talk for hours, without ever getting bored. She listens to me and my stories, then I listen to her. And we take the most photogenic pictures I think the world has ever seen....
And then I came home. See, I did it again. "Home" this time, refers to Logan.
Let me get to my point about my two homes, though.
Both places have aspects that I love, and aspects I could do without. For instance, I've become so used to walking in Logan, looking up at the sky, and seeing clear black with stars EVERYWHERE. And I mean everywhere. In Salt Lake, I missed that. There's too much light pollution to really see any of that beautiful, beautiful sky. (Although in both places you can now see Orion, my favorite constellation. Yay!) But, I could do without the closed in feeling I get here. Or the cold. Gosh, it is so cold. I can't even tell you. I love the openness of Salt Lake, but I don't like how dirty it is.
I hate the shower pressure at home now. I've decided the shower in my dorm has ruined me, because it is the perfect pressure and all other showers don't even compare. Same with my dorm bed. I actually love it. I have the most comfortable night's sleep. I didn't think I'd like it, but I love it.
As much as I enjoy the people I've met up here, there just hasn't been anyone I've made a real connection with. And I have so many of those back home. So many deeply rooted connections. Paige, Annie, Mikayla, Jared, my debaters, and even the other kids from high school who I saw. And more than anything, I feel so appreciated there. Maybe it's because I'm not there very often. I don't know. But back home, people have seen the full on, crazy, sometimes cranky, sometimes emotional, but all the time crazy, Megs. And they love me for it. Up here, well.... I don't think anyone has even seen all of that, except for maybe my coworkers. And I've found that I'm floating. I float, between groups to hang out with. But I don't have those friends yet who I could call up and say "hey, let's hang out." Back home, I have a hard time fitting everyone who wants to see me into the few days I'm there! That's not to sound cocky, that's just to show how people there appreciate me..
That's probably been the hardest part of leaving THAT home. I miss those people who have seen every part of my soul-- even the deepest, darkest, most sorrowful parts of it-- and stay with me until the sun comes out. They focus on the bright, happy part of my soul. The only part I really let anyone see except for those I fully trust. They love me, and they constantly tell me so. Up here, I have many acquaintances but few friends. Most days I'm able to lie to myself and hide from that sad truth, but then there are other days where I wonder why that hasn't happened for me yet, and I don't break down, but rather a melancholy mood follows me throughout the whole day. Right now, I'm relying on my friends back home, and my best friends, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, to pull me through until I meet those people I know I was meant to meet. Those people who are part of the reason why Heavenly Father sent me to Utah State. I KNOW I'm supposed to be here. And I am having a good time, don't get me wrong. I just want to meet a soul like mine. But I will wait until I do.
Home. It's strange to have two.
But past and present Megans love it, and we're going to look on towards the future while loving both places.
