you. (part 2.)

funny how the second you admit you need help, help comes. 

you just have to swallow that pride of yours and admit it. 

you. 

hi. 

a couple days ago, i admitted what i'd been hiding for too long: that i wasn't over you. 

that same night i admitted it here, was the first time i'd admitted it out loud to somebody else. my roommate and i were talking, and i finally opened up and spilled the beans to her. she understood. she felt the same way about another guy. another guy who, like you, is wrong for her. 

we talked about how we didn't think we'd ever get over it until we met somebody better who could help us. 

i admitted it. for the first time since things didn't work out, i admitted it. 

and i asked for help. 

it wasn't getting better; it was getting worse. and it was distracting me. it was affecting me too much. you were affecting me too much. you were this poison in my life that i couldn't have anymore. i needed you out of sight. out of mind. gone. those feelings needed to be gone.
so, finally, on my knees, i begged for the help i needed to get over you. to see the better things in my life; the things that mattered more.

two days later, he happened.
he was in my life all semester. he was in my life already when you left. i was just so blinded by you that i didn't notice the other things in my life. like i said, the better things; him.
two days later, he stopped by the apartment. it'd been awhile, since i'd seen him.
he came by at 9, just to say hi.
it was 2:30 in the morning when he finally got around to leaving.
that's how talking is between us. it's easy as breathing.
he's never kissed me. he's never held my hand. he hasn't bought me a tigger. he hasn't even said anything "romantic" to me, or to any other girl for that matter, yet.

but he opens all my doors.
he gets into tickle wars with me.
he makes me laugh harder than anybody i've ever met.
when he looks at me, he really looks.
he and I can have five hour conversations into the latest hours of the night, talking about nothing but missions.
he picked me up into a spinny hug when he found out i had chosen to go on a mission, he was so excited.
actually, he always does the spinny hug with me. i like that.
he thinks i'm funny.
he's not afraid to be absolutely ridiculous in public with me.
he never has a bad thing to say about anybody.
he says "mommy" when he talks to his mom on the phone.

most of all, he makes me want to be better.
and not in a judgey, makes-you-feel-inferior sort of way.
but just in a, he deserves to have people around him as great as he is, sort of way.

no, he's not my boyfriend.
no, i'm not "waiting" for him when he leaves for his mission.
no, we're not together.
we're not even a "fling."
but he means everything he says.
he reminds me of what i deserve.
and what i deserve is better than what you gave me.

we had some good memories. we had a good friendship.
we had a masterpiece, even, 'til you tore it all up.

but what he's reminded me is that i deserve more.
and now, the lie i told for months has turned into a truth:
i've moved on.
thank you for the fun times. thank you for being a person who taught me some lessons. thank you for making me stronger.
but this is it.

so here's to you:
goodbye. 

you.

hey, you. 

yes. you. 

the person who will never actually read this, unless you remember the link i gave you to this blog and legitimately read it. 

part of me hopes you do. part me hopes you don't. 

anyways, hi. 

i miss you. 

i wish i didn't, too. i wish with every part of me that i didn't. but with every part of me, i do. i miss you. 

you pop into my head without warning, every day. i can't get away from you. 

i would've been content with never seeing you again after that first day, the day we met. you were just a friend of a friend. i've met a lot of friends of friends. they pass through my life without sticking and i'm quite okay with that. 

but somehow, you knew. 

you knew the way i tick in a way some people who have known me my whole life still haven't figured out. you knew what to say. how i was feeling. why i was feeling it. i don't know how you knew. but somehow, you just, knew. 

you listened. you cared. i think you cared. 

and i'll never be the same. 

i thought it was going to be awkward. that day we were first alone. i've had some pretty awkward experiences before, with people i've talked to virtually more than i have in person. like you. so i thought it'd be awkward. i had no idea you saw me as anything. i thought it'd be two friends hanging out.

then you bought me a tigger. most people make fun of me, but you didn't. you took the time, to buy me something so childish yet so important to me. i didn't even ask you to. you just knew.
then you held my hand when we were stopped at a crosswalk. you didn't do that stupid transition, take five years to do it, thing. you just reached out, and took my hand.
i liked that.
i liked the way it felt in yours.

it was like it was just against the world, in the city. then it was like we were the only two people in the world, at the park. you saw right through me. i felt safe with you. i felt good with you.
it was the most absolutely perfect night.

and so soon, you were no longer a part of my life. i was blindsided. shocked. broken. i told everyone i was okay. but i wasn't. i'm still not fully recovered. because all i know is how perfect any night with you was. it didn't matter if it was in person or not. if you were there, it was perfect.

all i know, is i never saw you coming. and i'll never be the same.

i denied it for so long. i told everyone how dumb you were. how wrong for me you were. how i deserved better and it was a good thing things didn't work out.
but i was lying to them, and i was lying to myself.
because how it really is, is i'm not over you. as much as i wish i was, i'm not. i don't know why. i DO deserve better than the way you treated me. than the way you are. but you can't control things like this. i can't control things like this. i wish i could. there are so many reasons why you're wrong for me. why i should be over you. and yet, for some reason, i'm not.
i'm just, not.
like i said. i'll never be the same.
i miss you.
so here's to you:
come back.