you. (part 2.)

funny how the second you admit you need help, help comes. 

you just have to swallow that pride of yours and admit it. 

you. 

hi. 

a couple days ago, i admitted what i'd been hiding for too long: that i wasn't over you. 

that same night i admitted it here, was the first time i'd admitted it out loud to somebody else. my roommate and i were talking, and i finally opened up and spilled the beans to her. she understood. she felt the same way about another guy. another guy who, like you, is wrong for her. 

we talked about how we didn't think we'd ever get over it until we met somebody better who could help us. 

i admitted it. for the first time since things didn't work out, i admitted it. 

and i asked for help. 

it wasn't getting better; it was getting worse. and it was distracting me. it was affecting me too much. you were affecting me too much. you were this poison in my life that i couldn't have anymore. i needed you out of sight. out of mind. gone. those feelings needed to be gone.
so, finally, on my knees, i begged for the help i needed to get over you. to see the better things in my life; the things that mattered more.

two days later, he happened.
he was in my life all semester. he was in my life already when you left. i was just so blinded by you that i didn't notice the other things in my life. like i said, the better things; him.
two days later, he stopped by the apartment. it'd been awhile, since i'd seen him.
he came by at 9, just to say hi.
it was 2:30 in the morning when he finally got around to leaving.
that's how talking is between us. it's easy as breathing.
he's never kissed me. he's never held my hand. he hasn't bought me a tigger. he hasn't even said anything "romantic" to me, or to any other girl for that matter, yet.

but he opens all my doors.
he gets into tickle wars with me.
he makes me laugh harder than anybody i've ever met.
when he looks at me, he really looks.
he and I can have five hour conversations into the latest hours of the night, talking about nothing but missions.
he picked me up into a spinny hug when he found out i had chosen to go on a mission, he was so excited.
actually, he always does the spinny hug with me. i like that.
he thinks i'm funny.
he's not afraid to be absolutely ridiculous in public with me.
he never has a bad thing to say about anybody.
he says "mommy" when he talks to his mom on the phone.

most of all, he makes me want to be better.
and not in a judgey, makes-you-feel-inferior sort of way.
but just in a, he deserves to have people around him as great as he is, sort of way.

no, he's not my boyfriend.
no, i'm not "waiting" for him when he leaves for his mission.
no, we're not together.
we're not even a "fling."
but he means everything he says.
he reminds me of what i deserve.
and what i deserve is better than what you gave me.

we had some good memories. we had a good friendship.
we had a masterpiece, even, 'til you tore it all up.

but what he's reminded me is that i deserve more.
and now, the lie i told for months has turned into a truth:
i've moved on.
thank you for the fun times. thank you for being a person who taught me some lessons. thank you for making me stronger.
but this is it.

so here's to you:
goodbye. 

you.

hey, you. 

yes. you. 

the person who will never actually read this, unless you remember the link i gave you to this blog and legitimately read it. 

part of me hopes you do. part me hopes you don't. 

anyways, hi. 

i miss you. 

i wish i didn't, too. i wish with every part of me that i didn't. but with every part of me, i do. i miss you. 

you pop into my head without warning, every day. i can't get away from you. 

i would've been content with never seeing you again after that first day, the day we met. you were just a friend of a friend. i've met a lot of friends of friends. they pass through my life without sticking and i'm quite okay with that. 

but somehow, you knew. 

you knew the way i tick in a way some people who have known me my whole life still haven't figured out. you knew what to say. how i was feeling. why i was feeling it. i don't know how you knew. but somehow, you just, knew. 

you listened. you cared. i think you cared. 

and i'll never be the same. 

i thought it was going to be awkward. that day we were first alone. i've had some pretty awkward experiences before, with people i've talked to virtually more than i have in person. like you. so i thought it'd be awkward. i had no idea you saw me as anything. i thought it'd be two friends hanging out.

then you bought me a tigger. most people make fun of me, but you didn't. you took the time, to buy me something so childish yet so important to me. i didn't even ask you to. you just knew.
then you held my hand when we were stopped at a crosswalk. you didn't do that stupid transition, take five years to do it, thing. you just reached out, and took my hand.
i liked that.
i liked the way it felt in yours.

it was like it was just against the world, in the city. then it was like we were the only two people in the world, at the park. you saw right through me. i felt safe with you. i felt good with you.
it was the most absolutely perfect night.

and so soon, you were no longer a part of my life. i was blindsided. shocked. broken. i told everyone i was okay. but i wasn't. i'm still not fully recovered. because all i know is how perfect any night with you was. it didn't matter if it was in person or not. if you were there, it was perfect.

all i know, is i never saw you coming. and i'll never be the same.

i denied it for so long. i told everyone how dumb you were. how wrong for me you were. how i deserved better and it was a good thing things didn't work out.
but i was lying to them, and i was lying to myself.
because how it really is, is i'm not over you. as much as i wish i was, i'm not. i don't know why. i DO deserve better than the way you treated me. than the way you are. but you can't control things like this. i can't control things like this. i wish i could. there are so many reasons why you're wrong for me. why i should be over you. and yet, for some reason, i'm not.
i'm just, not.
like i said. i'll never be the same.
i miss you.
so here's to you:
come back. 

jennifee.

My big sister, Jen and I, went to see Breaking Dawn: Part 2 today. It's one of many movies we've seen together, like Harry Potter 4 when we went the next night instead of the premiere. Naturally, we talked about the book afterwards and what we've thought of certain characters. We commented on Les Miserables as we saw the poster for the movie walking past. I told her about college, and she told me about her cute little boys. I finally opened up and told her about some guys in my life who I had kept hidden from my family because of the pain they caused me. She listened. She didn't judge. We laughed. We talked about the most trivial things, as well as bigger things, just as we always do. It was as easy as breathing.

And so today, I'm thankful for Jenny.

Growing up, Jen was my absolute idol. In fact, looking back, some of the things that I still love today are things I owe to her, because when I was little and saw that she loved them, that automatically made me love them. And that "idol" love turned into genuine love, like my love for astronomy and the universe. or my love for boy bands. don't deny it, Jen. We all knew you wanted to marry J.C. from NSYNC.

One of my favorite memories as a kid is from one of the many times I went into her bedroom after a nightmare. This one in particular was about a tornado. No idea why, but for some reason I had gone through this stage of being deathly afraid of them. Which is ridiculous, considering I live in Utah and we get one in maybe a century. Either way, it was a pretty bad dream, and naturally, being four or five years old at the time, I was pretty shaken up and bawling my eyes out. Well, Jen, to lighten the mood, drew me the most amazing picture in the history of ever. I wish I still had it. As I mentioned before, Jen and I were both NSYNC fans. Well, she drew a picture of a tornado going through town, trying to be scary, while singing NSYNC's "Bye, Bye, Bye." Instead of everyone being afraid of it, she drew them finding it so comical that they just pointed and laughed, and the tornado couldn't hurt them. Funny enough, it stopped my fear of tornadoes and turned that fear into its opposite: fascination. Now, I cannot get enough of them. I am so grossly fascinated by them, that Twister is one of my favorite movies. All because of Jen.

Anyway, Jen did a lot for me growing up. She did a lot for all of us. Being the oldest, she had to look after us kiddies a lot and put up with our shenanigans. She dealt with me going into her bedroom in the middle of the night, often, because I had just had a nightmare. She was always the referee between Just and Kenz, who weren't each others' biggest fans at the time. She was always the babysitter. The chauffeur. The cook. The nurse. She stayed up all night to help me finish my science project on nebular in the 5th grade. Then stayed up all night the year after that, to help me finish my project on Mummies in the 6th grade. She was the second mom, basically.

And never, not once, did I hear her complain. 

She also let me play with her and all of her friends, because they were in high school and as a five-six-seven-year-old, I thought they were the coolest. I remember fondly her friends forming two teams and playing a game where the goal was simply to have me. Jen ran me into her room and put a glow-in-the-dark star on my little overalls. She said "keep this on. This way, I'll always know where you are." It was one of my favorite nights, being the goal of her and her friends' game. I don't even know if she remembers that. But I do.

Jen is one of the most selfless people I know. I don't tell her thank you nearly as often as I should; it's not like I deserve any of the things she has done and continues to do for me. But she does them anyway. And I'm so thankful to her for that. Her two little boys are so lucky to have a mom like her. She is so strong. She is so loving. She has such a testimony of this Gospel, and the light of Christ really does shine through her. She is so much like Him. And, in addition to all of that inner beauty, her outer beauty has always been something I've really envied; especially her fashion sense and piercing blue eyes.

Even though Jen and I are the oldest and youngest, it's always been us that's more a like, with our middle siblings being more alike. We're the drama queens. The fashionistas. The astronomy/nature obsessed. The bookworms. The school nerds. The attention wanters. The sometimes-over-the-toppers. We have our differences, of course, which make us, as people, better.

I'm so thankful for yeh-yeh/dah/jenny. When I was little, I wanted to be just like her. Now, the years have passed, and we've both grown. . But even now, I still do.